Saturday, October 30, 2010

Halloween Hustlin'!

Hola! Instead of sitting on my couch (which is where I've been for the past few weeks), I'm sitting in my dorm room! I wasn't going to come back until Monday... but I felt like I had more energy, and Friday was the annual xc "Halloween Hustle" and girls sleepover, and next thing I knew... I was driving out to Rochester in the pouring rain with my car packed full of my belongings and Josh Wilson's sweet version of Amazing Grace blasting through the speakers. Thankfully, it stopped raining by the time I arrived for the Halloween Hustle. For those of you who don't know, the Halloween Hustle is the cross country team's workout that's closest to Halloween. Everyone dresses up, runs around campus looking pretty obnoxious, and then runs whatever workout is planned for that day. I couldn't run, of course, so Uncle Andy had me timing with "Grandpa Jeff." It turned into quite the dance party, despite my fever and everything else that had been holding me down. Somewhere throughout the dancing, timing, screaming, and watching Uncle Andy prance around dressed as Peter Pan... I realized that I wouldn't trade that moment for anything. And know what? If I was healthy, I wouldn't have experienced that. Not that being sick is good, but God can do sweet things even when everything seems to be falling apart. We had team massages at the sleep over, and, well... the laughing/screaming/flailing that Sarah was doing while I was digging my fist into her VMO was well worth staying up late for. =P Yeah, my fever went way up. Yeah, I feel like crap today. And yes, I some how have to do that whole going to class thing again. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know if I'm going to make it through the semester, and I definitely don't know what's wrong with me... however, I do know that I'm in a good place to be going through all of this. I'm surrounded by awesome people, and for the first time in a very, very long time... I'm okay with not knowing what's going to happen and not being able to run for the second season in a row. Even if I don't think I can handle it, God can.... and maybe, just maybe, the patience, perseverance, humility and selflessness that I'm learning from this (along with a little rearranging of my priorities in life) will all be worth it in the end.

Yeah. That was a happy one. Friends make me happy. My coaches make me happy. Dancing on the track dressed as a pumpkin to music I don't even know makes me happy.
There will be tough days ahead, I know that... but right now, I'm happy. :)

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Waiting.

I apologize for the previous depressing post, but hey... if I'm going to get through this, I can't just skip over the bad parts. It'd be like skipping the hard workouts while preparing for a race. Running doesn't work that way, and neither does life. Running and life seem to have a lot in common. That's why I like it so much.

Today I had plans to call a couple of places to see if I could learn more about Lyme Disease; or at least get some other opinions on what's going on. Fail. I called, like I had planned... but I'm sadly learning that the medical practice is called a "practice" for a reason. I'm not bashing every single doctor - I happen to have a couple of great ones, but we've had our share of bad experiences, and today we had another. I called a doctor's office near NYC that is known for their work in Lyme Disease. I gave them a quick run through of my problems and asked if they could tell me about the California Lyme Test and why it's so controversial, and... I got "We can't tell you anything because you're not a patient. It you want to be a patient, you can make an appointment for 950 dollars. Oh, and we don't take any insurance. Sorry. Click." I didn't even get a "bye." And if it's $950 for a single consultation (not a test, examination, diagnosis or treatment), I'm a little afraid how much money these people are making off of poor sick people. Come onnnn.

Phone call number 2: A call to "Unity Connect," which is a group of registered nurses who can help you decide what to do about your health issues. I didn't expect much, which, once again was a good thing. This time the lady was actually very nice... but she told me to go to my primary doctor. I then explained that I went there yesterday and they told me I was healthy (I left out the part about the guy not being very nice...). After that she told me to go to the E.R. We didn't. We've been there too many times, and it's not the best place to be when you're getting over pneumonia. It just makes you more likely to get it again. I thanked her, she wished me well, and that was it for the day. No success. Tomorrow's plan is to call two more doctors and to try to keep from convincing myself that I'm messing everything up.

Sometimes I wonder where God is in all of this and why in the world everything has to be so confusing. I've never not known so much about my life in my... well... life. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know if the guy in NYC who charges a ridiculous amount of money and uses a test that's not approved in NY is a hoax or someone I should keep looking into. We keep thinking of going to the Cleveland (or Mayo) Clinic, but we don't know if that's what we should do right now. I have no idea when I'm going back to school. I have no idea when I'm going to be healthy again. I really don't have a clue about anything... except for the fact that I am very, very tired right now, and that I'm going to be even happier and crazier than I was when I'm finally healthy again. BUT... I do have a faith in a God who does know what's going on. Yes, this has tested and shaken me up in what seems to be every way possible, but He's still there. I've prayed and prayed for guidance and for a doctor who will help me... no answer. Yet.
I'll wait. A lot of being a Christian has to do with waiting. A lot to do with distance running has to do with waiting (once again, running is my metaphor for life...ha.). I think waiting is part of God's way of making us into the people he wants us to be. Of course, sometimes it sucks during it (especially if you're sick)... but it changes us. America, on the other hand, doesn't like to wait. At all. Hmm.

Depression.

Yesterday started off as a pretty good day. My dad called me in the morning saying that my primary doctors wanted to see me in 2.5 hours. It wouldn't have been a big deal... if my primary doctors weren't in Rochester. I was super excited because that meant we could stop by Roberts and visit some people - specifically, the cross country team. My dad booked it home, picked me up, and we headed off to good 'ol North Chili for... well, we didn't really know. We try not to expect a lot from doctor appointments any more, because every time they don't go well it just makes my life a little bit harder. It was a good thing we didn't expect much, because it was pretty terrible. The doctor wouldn't even listen to me and wouldn't answer any of my questions about Lyme Disease, or the 6 pounds that my little body couldn't really afford to lose. He pretty much said I was healthy and let me go. The only thing that kept me from going crazy was that I was going to get to see my coaches and team in less than an hour. In the meantime, we stopped at some of my professors offices just to say "hi," but nobody was around. I was already getting bummed. We made our way over to the VAC a little bit early for practice, because we had nothing better to do, but seeing that Uncle Andy's car was already in the parking lot made me really excited. I practically ran in. We talked to Uncle Andy for awhile, mainly about the doctors appt. and what the "next step" for us to do was. Then the team started coming down and I got even more excited. After hugging some friends and praying with the team... they were off. To run. To do what I've been wishing I could do without any pain for a long, long time. I started getting a little depressed, but I knew there was nothing I could do about it. Eventually, they all made their way back from their runs and that's when things really got bad. I like to say the depression started talking, because when I get depressed, I get thoughts that I normally wouldn't think. It was something along the lines of: "Look.... they all have each other. They don't need me. They don't even seem to notice that I'm here right now. I'd go talk to Aunt Jen or Uncle Andy, but they're doing form drills with some of the team. I wanna do some freakin' form drills. Most of the team doesn't even like them. I love them. Freakin'... I can't wait until the day that I get to take an ice bath. Pneumonia is stupid. Nobody in this place even seems to realize that I'm gone. Aunt Jen, Uncle Andy, and Coach Kurtz are the only one's who seem to even care. If I hear another person complain about hw, I'm going to go nuts. I wish hw was the most stressful thing I had to do. I wish I could actually do my hw, instead of thinking about my stupid body and how it never works right. I wish all I had to worry about was getting to practice on time and spending the rest of my day at classes and in the library... with friends. I'm probably not even going to be able to finish this semester. What if I don't? What if they take my scholarships away and I can't come back? I need to come back. This is where I belong. I'm probably screwing up my whole entire life..."
Yeah. It's ridiculous, it's not what I think when I'm thinking straight, and it's NOT fun. It feels like there's a battle going on inside my mind between the Devil and God. The Devil knows my weaknesses and knows how to tear me apart. God is the only thing keeping me from completely going nuts. He's the One telling me that it's not my fault and that things will get better... in His time. When Coach Kurtz tells me I'm doing everything I can do to try and get healthy... that's what God's saying. When Uncle Andy grabs me by my shoulders and tries to talk some sense into me as I'm bawling my eyes out, that's when I start remembering that I have Jesus on my side. I basically cried the whole way home last night. I was freaking out about everything. Honestly, most of the time I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing. Should I try doing hw while I'm home? Should I sleep or should I go for a walk? Am I doing everything wrong? It's not cool. At all. But, in the words of Leeland, "Heaven's fighting for me." I just have to believe it.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Pumpkin Therapy

Today, I woke up after only sleeping for 9.5 or 10 hours instead of my weekly average of like... 12, so I thought "I'M GETTING BETTER!" That put my in a good mood, so I blasted some old school Newsboys and ate a muffin (soy/dairy/gluten free, don't worry.). Then... my energy that I had for a good hour or so disappeared, and I crashed on the couch and continued my new habit of... napping. I hate napping. So much. My temperature has been hanging out at 100, despite the three weeks of antibiotics (that have been increased in strength twice)... so we really have no idea what's going on. It's not like I'm suffering with a 104 fever, but it does mean that something is going on (and it makes me very sleepy). My dad talked to the people at IGeneX today, which is a laboratory place in California that does the Lyme Disease test, which is a million times more accurate than NY's Lyme test (NYS tests for 3 out of 5 strands of some protein or something in order to say you're "positive." California, on the other hand, only needs 2 strands. And, they do three different tests. Yeah. C'mon NY...). I'd rather not have Lyme Disease, but at this point we need to eliminate things until we find what's going on so we can take care of it and get me HEALTHY (I love that word.)

All of this being sick stuff is really depressing (especially for someone who usually has an abnormally high amount of energy and can't go a day without being outside...), but thankfully, my friend Marie happens to be home this semester too. She didn't mean to be, but things didn't work out, and well... now we're together. It's cool how things work out. She's been giving me a lot of encouragement (and taking care of a sick friend gives her something to do =P), and today she brought over pumpkins to decorate! It took my mind off of everything and was WONDERFUL. I wasn't worrying about school or running, and I didn't have the "I'm screwing everything up" thought in my head. It made up for my counseling appointment that I would've gone to today if I was at school. Actually, it worked a lot better than my counseling appointment normally does.

Spiritually, well... let's just say that in order to get through each day I really do need to "put on the whole armor of God." I'm slowly learning that the "I suck at life" thoughts that I keep having are something that I can fight off (with a whole lot of help from God). It's really a matter of learning what I can control and what I can't. I can only control so much of what's happening to my body, and the rest I can't worry about. I haven't gotten to the not worrying part of it yet... but I'm working on it.

Monday, October 18, 2010

"Change the World" Syndrome

Another day of resting, brings: an unhealthy amount of thinking (or as like to say, "freaking out") about my life. I had to remind myself today that the reason I'm home is to rest. I have this problem where I always want to be productive; whether that means running, planning something crazy, playing guitar, doing hw, etc. I'm really bad at doing "leisurely things" (like watching tv and movies), so instead I sit here and think about how confusing/scary/depressing my life is right now. First it starts with thinking about my health and whether or not I'm supposed to call another doctor, or just rest and see what happens after the antibiotics are done, then I move on to thinking about what's going to happen the rest of the semester, and then I start worrying about next semester and whether or not I'm ever going to be healthy, and THEN I realize that I have NO idea what I'm going to do with my life (when Jesus said not to worry about our lives (Matthew 6:25-34) He knew what he was talking about (well... duh. He's Jesus.) We're humans! We can only handle one day at a time!). That was a lot of parenthesis... but anyways, I have this problem where I think I need to do something REALLY crazy and helpful in order to do what God wants me to do with my life. Like... save a bunch of people, find a cure for a disease, you know... change the world. That's when the idea of a holistic faith that Dr. Middleton drilled in my head comes in... I don't need to change the world! Guess what! A plumber is fulfilling God's will by being a plumber. We need plumbers. Especially for people with explosive intestines, like me. A plumber can plumb (is that a verb?) for God just like a missionary can go on missions for God. Colossians 3:23 says "Whatever your task, put yourselves into it, as done for the Lord and not for your masters." Want to be a plumber? Be a plumber. A freakin' awesome plumber, with a heart for the Lord.

I don't mean to shatter any dreams you have of changing the world, but... you aren't going to. However... we sure can! That's why the church isn't one person. We need everyone (the custodians, the painters, the missionaries, the pastors, the teachers, the coaches... I could keep going...) If we all pour our hearts into what we're passionate about, we'd probably be surprised by what would happen.

My task for the next week or two (hopefully no longer than that!): Get over pneumonia. How do I get over pneumonia? Rest. How do I rest? Sleep, relax, watch some Psych...
It sounds wonderful, but for me... it's ridiculously hard; however... if I see it as my "task" for the week... it's a little bit easier.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

The Value of a Friend

"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up the other; but woe to one who is alone and falls and does not have another to help." -Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Being sick for a long, long time takes a toll on a person - physically, mentally and spiritually. First it messed with my running, then it messed with school, and then it messed with my head. Seriously. Being undiagnosed is rough. I know I have pneumonia, but I was sick before the pneumonia. Sick with what? Who knows... but it's confusing, depressing, and very frustrating.

Last night was really bad. I started getting really scared that we'd never figure out what's wrong with me and that I'm always going to be sick. Then I started convincing myself that I wasn't sick again (I've gotten really good at that. It's terrible.). I tried calming myself down by telling myself not to worry about the future and just get through one day at a time, but then all I could think about was the fact that so many people are suffering in some sort of way. I wanted to think that all of this being sick stuff is for a reason... but what's the reason of a kid dying from cancer? What's the reason for the AIDS epidemic? What's the reason for earthquakes that kill so many people? Then... I stumbled upon this song: Mercyme - Won't You Be My Love
It made me feel a tiny bit better because I realized that there IS evil in this world, but our job is to show Christ's love to EVERYONE (especially the poor, orphaned, and... sick), but I still went to bed praying that God would show me that He cared about me, because at that moment, I just felt like a terrible, lonely, mess. It sounds like a selfish, stupid plea for something that should be so obvious... but look in the psalms (the lament psalms, that a lot of churches overlook) and you'll see a whole lot of prayers like that.

I woke up this morning a little bit better, but still unsure of everything that's going on. I really can't go a day without being outside, so my parents and I decided that going for a short walk wouldn't kill me. We went out up on the hills by my house, and it was BEAUTIFUL out. I was starting to feel a little bit better (Mentally. Physically, I was realizing how tired I am!), and then I got a text from my friend, Victoria. I told her that I'd call her when I was back inside. Victoria happens to be struggling through a chronic illness too. She's been sick for 5 years, so we vent with each other a lot. She had just gotten back to school a couple days ago from being out sick (and in the hospital :/), and wanted to ask me what I thought she should do because she still wasn't feeling well. Without even thinking too long about it, I said something along the lines of: "You NEED to get off campus and rest more! You really shouldn't be at school! You won't be able to get your work done, and it's just going to make everything worse. Your health is way more important than your classes, and don't even THINK about starting to train again right now... just rest!" We talked for awhile, and as soon as I hung up I realized that everything I said to her was everything I needed to tell myself. Then, Ecclesiastes 4:9 popped in my head (well, actually it was more like "oh.. that verse about two being better than one... where is it?!" Thank You Jesus for Google). Not that I want Victoria or myself to be sick, but honestly... we need each other right now, and it gave me reassurance that God's still in this. Just another bonk in the head by Jesus. That's all.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Listen to yankeeshorty501s Playlist


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A long awaited update to... myself?

So, apparently the point of a blog is to have other people read them. Oh. Maybe I should do something about that...

But anyhow, I'm currently home from school because I'm too sick to be there. It's probably something I should've done a few weeks ago when I found out I had pneumonia, but my doctor told me to go to classes and "live life." Bad idea. It basically got to the point where I couldn't do my hw or pay attention in classes because I was too busy trying to get myself to stay awake. Then, I just cried all of the time, because I didn't know why life suddenly became 100x harder, and THEN the pneumonia triggered my asthma (that I forgot I had), and I thought I was just dumb and had forgotten how to breath. I'm starting to wonder if my doctor ever learned that the only way to get over pneumonia is to REST (something that I realized anyone can learn by google-ing "pneumonia.") Sigh.

I don't think I realized how much I needed rest until I got home the other day... I went to bed and didn't wake up for 16 hours. Then, after a few episodes of House (in hopes that a patient would have my problems and be diagnosed) and some dinner... I slept another 10.5... and THEN, I woke up, ate some food and... napped. This is the first time that I've had enough energy in the past couple days to sit up for more than a few minutes and do something that requires using at least some part of my brain.

Not being at school is weird, but maybe I'll actually keep up with this whole blog thing now. That'd be cool. As for now, I'm a little feverish, pretty tired, and ready to call it a night. So... good night. Maybe I'll actually write something two days in a row. And maybe it'll be something inspirational, rather than a depressing update on my explosive body. Maybe.