Saturday, February 26, 2011

Dog Sledding!

On Wednesday I headed out to my coach's parents' house for the annual dog sled program at the local library!  Little did I know that a lot of sled dogs are Siberian Huskies, which happen to be the dogs that I've been terrified of ever since I was attacked by one in 7th grade.  At first, I was terrified of any dog besides our dog after that, then I slowly went back to my normal self that loved dogs... except for Siberian huskies.  Well, Wednesday brought a chance for me to conquer my fear... and they didn't attack me!  I passed out cookies to everyone who was outside for most of the time, but I was offered a ride on the sled after all of the kids went! I hopped on, and attempted to take a picture while the dogs were running.  I have to admit, the dogs were very nice and they didn't try to eat me.



I had dinner and spent the night there, but I was SO dead by the end of the day.  I took a nap before dinner and went to bed at 8.  Thankfully, they are wonderful people and are very understanding of everything that's going on.  I normally bring pain killers whenever I go somewhere and want to have fun, but I switched backpacks and left them home by accident! Unfortunately, I didn't realize that until about 10pm while I was still laying in bed because my body hurt too much to sleep.  Eventually, I did fall asleep and was able to drive back the next morning, and then I had visitors at home! 3 of the guys from the cross country team came to visit!  I was very dead and in a lot of pain, but I enjoyed seeing friends that I haven't been able to see in a long time.  Once they headed home, I realized how terrible I felt.  Even though I've been in a lot of pain throughout all of this, that night was the worst it's been yet.  My dad was sure I was coming down with the flu on top of my normal problems because I was so sick and miserable, but now we're pretty sure that my "illness" (whatever it may be...) is starting to get worse... or at least had a rough few days.  Somebody called to see how I was doing, but I couldn't even hold a conversation because I was so sick.  It was not fun.  On Friday, I had another visitor! I feel bad, because I was really not feeling up to talking a lot... especially about being sick.  But, I was still very thankful that people were thinking of me and even cared enough to visit.  I just wish I could have showed it a little more... normally I love talking!

My dad talked to the receptionist at the rheumatologist's office to see if I can come in to get my blood drawn as soon as they get the kit from California, but she didn't know what kit he was talking about and kept telling him that we could just ask the doctor to order it at my appointment on March 15th.  We tried to explain, but she didn't seem to know anything about the blood test already being ordered, so she eventually said that my doctor will be back on Monday and we can just talk to him then.  Sigh.

Hopefully I won't be feeling too terrible tomorrow, because my parents are helping at a bowling thing for the Canal Museum and I think it'd be worth putting my energy into bowling some more 30's and winning the prize for the lowest score (I was that bad when I was healthy too!)!  The pain isn't as bad today, and I've bowled through the fever a couple of times already, so I don't see any reason not to win... I mean... lose but get a prize for losing so bad!

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Words from the Wise

Yesterday, I decided to see what would happen if I tried to run.  The doctors keep asking, I keep wondering... so... I went for it.  And failed.  Miserably.  I walked for 6 minutes first, then I decided to run 10 minutes and walk some more.  My legs were hurting before I even started, but I figured 10 minutes wouldn't kill me.  However, I made it 8 minutes into the run and felt the very first pain of an oncoming explosion...  the feeling that I have pushed through far too many times.  I know from experience that when I keep running after I feel that very first not-so-pleasant feeling, the rest of the day is going to consist of ridiculous amounts of pain and getting sick.  I had plans to make a surprise visit to my grandma's, and thankfully, I was able to realize that visiting grandma was much more important than that run, so I went back to walking for a few minutes before calling it quits, giving my intestines some time to settle down, and cleaning up to see Grandma. 

My grandma lives in an assisted living place, and I have to admit... I almost want to move in there with her.  It's so cool.  They have activities throughout the day on the week days, and they even have an "outing" every week... ranging from trips to museums to dinner at a restaurant.  As soon as I walked in, I could hear my Grandma's voice so I walked up behind her and said "Hi Grandma!"  The first thing she said was "MICHELLE! Where's your father?!" I told her that I drove there, and apparently she forgot that I'm 20 years old because she went around to everyone there (nurses included) and told them that I drove myself to come visit her!  It was very funny, and once my grandma remembered that I was 20, she decided to have all of her friends guess my age.  Most seemed to think I was somewhere between 13-15 years old.  Seeing as I've never looked my age, it doesn't bother me at all anymore so I was getting a kick out of it.  Anyways, another reason I love that place is because I love old people.  They know a whole lot more about life than I do, and they've been through everything from the Great Depression, to WWII, to the Cold War.  They know the challenges of life... but they also know the joy of life.  Grandma also had to explain to everyone that I was very sick and home from college.  A lot of them told me that I was handling it so well and that it was great that I was still smiling so much.  It made my day.  Usually people will say something along the lines of "You look good!"  Honestly, that just makes me wish I could say that I feel the same.  The nurse at my Internists even told me that I couldn't be that sick because I smiled.  Seriously?  Is it a requirement for sick people to be miserably 24/7?  The old people said it much better.  Much, much better.  My grandma had even gone to the extent of explaining how my blood was going to be sent to California to get tested for Lyme.  Usually I'm very careful that whoever is explaining everything is explaining it accurately, but... I couldn't help but be amused at what happens when stuff about Lyme Disease spreads around an assisted living center.  Someone had asked me what it was and how I could have gotten it.  I explained that people get it from ticks, and that I spent 7 years of my life running at a park that the newspaper nicknamed "Ground Zero for Lyme Disease."  I also made sure to tell them that as of now, we don't know what I have, so it might be something else.  First, a lady explained it to another person by saying that I went to a park and the bugs made me sick.  By the end of the day, word had gone around that I picked up a bug at school called Lyme.  I couldn't help but laugh about that when I was driving home.

Before I headed home, I joined them in the entertainment for the afternoon... listening to a man (who happened to know my entire family) sing old songs that they could sing along too.  I explained to Grandma that he used to be her UPS man, and she loved it when he pointed her out in the crowd and said that he used to make deliveries at her house.  Grandma was having a blast singing to all of the songs, and I was very, very happy about it.  I don't know if people in heaven can see what's going on down here or not, but if they can... I think Grandpa was enjoying the scene too.  Before I headed home, a bunch of the ladies wished me well and gave me some very important advice: "You have a long time.  Take care of yourself. "  Finally.  People who weren't so rushed to get through life.  People who had already been through at least 4x more of it than I have.  Of course they wanted me to get better... but, life is long.  Things will get better.  Eventually.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

I smell spaghetti dinner!

I'm feeling way too yucky to write much, but I wanted to write a quick update:

1) I randomly was able to swim 800 meters without stopping on Friday, which was very exciting for me, especially because I almost didn't even try to swim because I felt too tired to even get there!  I even felt alright for a few hours after it. :)
2) I was able to enjoy the warm weather on Friday by taking a walk with a friend. Friday was a pretty good day!
7.285) I saw some friends yesterday, too! They came to visit...then... I crashed. Big time.
4) I've spent most of today sleeping on the couch or laying in my bed (or on the floor) resting... although I did make it to church this morning with my parents, which was the first time in a few weeks.  Today's been very rough, but... my mom's making a gluten/soy/dairy free spaghetti dinner.  The most difficult times make me very, very thankful for my parents.  And on that note... it's spaghetti dinner time!

Friday, February 18, 2011

Doctors, blood work, and... warm weather?!

Yesterday was my first visit with the Rheumatologist.  He really didn't have much to say, besides that my Baker's cyst isn't a Baker's cyst.  He thinks it's a muscle deformity, but he said he really didn't know either.  Yeah. Hearing doctor's say that they have no idea what's going on with your body all of the time gets really, really frustrating.  He did order a TON of blood tests though, so that was good.  He also ordered the IGeneX kit from California so that we can send my blood there to get tested for Lyme.  I'm still really confused about who to trust seeing as IGeneX says people have Lyme when a lot of other labs say they don't... but... we'll see.  My Western Blot from Quest Diagnostics came back negative, but if IGeneX were to look at the same results they would say it was equivocal... which isn't very helpful, but it makes the doctors curious.  Unfortunately, I don't have another doctors appointment until March, so we're back to waiting around again... which isn't fun.  At all.

I am very, very sick of this.  The 2 days of 50 degree weather makes it feel like it's spring... and as much as I LOVE spring, I wanted to be healthy by the time the weather was nice.  The warm weather is almost a cruel reminder that I'm too sick to be enjoying it like I'd usually be... although, the warm weather is still very nice. I just really don't want to spend anymore time taking naps and being a bum, but there are days when I really don't have the energy to do much more than that.  I'm still trying very hard to make the most out of the things that I can do... but the past few days have been pretty discouraging.  I've managed to go from not being able to swim in January to doing 20 lengths (about 450meters) of the front crawl without stopping, but I could hardly swim any laps on Wednesday.  After awhile I realized that usually we have our lessons on Wednesday (we're on a 2 week break between sessions), so I normally don't actually do very much swimming on those days...  just a lot of learning.  So, I guess my body had a reason to be exhausted.  Last night at Pit, it seemed IMPOSSIBLE to play my french horn.  I couldn't hit a note, and everything was out of tune.  The band director had given me a heads up that something was up with the horn when he played it too, so that made me feel a little better.  After playing through all 2 hours of rehearsal and then trying to fix it with the HS band director, the retired band director saved the day and noticed that the slides looked weird.  Some little punk had switched the slides around! Just in case you're not familiar with french horns - they have 8 slides, which is why the very first thing I learned was to never take more than one out at a time, because you'll probably put them back in the wrong place.  It sounds much better now... phew.  Besides that and some tutoring, this week has been pretty uneventful (unless sleeping is eventful to you, but I think it's really boring)... but, I get to see a few friends (and hopefully my grandma!) this weekend, so hopefully the next few days will be better!

Sunday, February 13, 2011

In the Pit.

"I waited patiently for the Lord;
he inclined to me and heard my cry.
He drew me up from the desolate pit,
out of the miry bog,
and set  my feet upon a rock,
making my steps secure.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
and put their trust in the Lord."
~Psalm 40: 1-3 (NRSV)

The term "pit" is found in the Psalms and the book of Job a lot.  When people fall into a "pit" in their lives, it feels like everything is falling part.  It makes me feel much better knowing that there are a ton of lament psalms that I can relate to (Psalm 6!), especially when things seem to really stink.  Things just seem to be getting more difficult everyday, but... not everything is terrible.  I'm trying very hard to focus on the things that I can do and the people that I can help while I'm in this situation... and to do those things prayerfully and meaningfully.  That's really the only way I can get through this.  Whether it's swimming, helping a friend, reading, spending time with my parents, playing music, or even... RESTING... I'm trying to be very focused on how that can help others and myself... and especially my relationship with God.  Playing music has always been one of my favorite stress relievers.  Speaking of music, I've also found myself in another pit... the Pit Orchestra for my high school's musical!  It just so happened that they didn't have a french horn player, so I'm taking a trip back in time to high school to play with them.  It's very exhausting (I was in it my senior year in hs), and I was freaking out before I went to rehearsal last week because I didn't know if I could handle it... but, once I was given a french horn to play, I was very, very happy and I decided that I could make it through 2 hours of rehearsal before I went home and collapsed on the couch.  The band director knows that I'm sick, so he's being very lenient with me and letting me skip rehearsals when I need to.  And I thought I'd never have the chance to play french horn again... how cool.

I can't wait until the day that I can sing that "new song" in Psalm 40, but... God's giving me what I need, even when I'm in that yucky pit.  I just need to keep trusting Him.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Yesterday's doctor update

 Let's just say my "expect the worst" mentality that I had before I went still wasn't enough to prepare me for how I'd feel after it.  Even though I expected the worst... I still hoped for something better.  The doctor is stumped, once again.  This time he called me a "puzzle," and he did the whole "you might have something that's not even discovered yet" thing.  You'd think a doctor would want to be the one to discover that new disease... but instead they just hand me off to another one.  This is my good doctor, the one I talked about in this post, so it was very depressing to hear it come from him too.  But, he is still working on his "process of elimination," by taking a bold move and... taking me off all of my meds.  I know he wants to see if I could have "drug fever" from any of them, but I think he wants to start from scratch too... especially because some of the meds that I'm on aren't meds that you want to be on if you don't have too.  I really don't think my meds are causing all of my problems, seeing as the reason that I was put on them was because I was sick... but he is right about them either not helping or even causing other symptoms.  Unfortunately, we're put on another 2 month "waiting game" with this doctor to see what happens when I've been off of everything for awhile.  I didn't take that part so well yesterday.  It's very scary... and frustrating... and depressing.  I left the doctors a complete mess, but I was able to make it through the day thanks to some wonderful people.  First, my dad turned the wrong direction while driving home... because he wanted to cheer me up and buy me the new Josh Wilson album! It's really good, and my dad likes it too! When my dad and I both like someone's music, that's a big deal.  I also got a very encouraging email from Uncle Andy, I had a nice tutoring distraction for a little while, and then something really cool happened! But, I'm not going to say what it is until the next post.  I was still very depressed despite of all of that, but it was enough to keep me going. 

Here's one of my new favorite songs, which I've listened to over and over again since we bought the cd yesterday...




Thursday, February 10, 2011

Back at it.

I've had a month long break from doctor appointments and tests due to the antibiotic "experiment," which didn't do anything.  It was nice (and really weird) not having to go to the doctors for the first week or so, but I am more than ready to get moving along again.  The past week or so has been really tough, because I've been done with the antibiotics for over week, so I knew that we were just waiting and not making any progress for awhile.  This morning, I'm headed back to the internist's and I'm trying very hard not to expect much, because he's the one who referred me to the rheumatologist (which is where I'm going next week) so he'll most likely explain to me what my test results mean and why I'm going there. But, he is a very good doctor, so maybe he'll do more now that he's tried the antibiotics (which, as annoying as it was to be on meds for 3 weeks that didn't do anything, was a very good idea because it pretty much ruled out any infection that he could have missed).  I'll post an update sometime after the appointment if I feel up to it.  For now, if you see this and think of it... prayers would be awesome! THANK YOU!

Monday, February 7, 2011

"The Mouse That Had a Very Long Tail"

I was looking through some of my old journals today, but I didn't get very far, because... I stumbled upon a story that I wrote when I was 7!  I decided that it needed to be posted, spelling errors included (It wouldn't be the same without them!).  I actually remember writing it, and I remember thinking that I was going to be a famous 7 year old author... hmm...

I now present to you,

"The Mouse That Had a Very Long Tail"
                                                                      by, me... 13 years ago.

"Once upon a time ther was a mouse with a very long tail.  All off the other mice made fun off him because he was diffrent.  One day when he was takeing a walk his friend accidently stept on his tail and everybody started to laugh but he diddn't care.  He just kept on walking and agnored them.  He dieccided to go into the big city.  There was plenty of food to eat there.  He saw a huge blanket that was rolled up.  He diessided to tip it over and unrool it to sleep in for the night.  When he got up in the morning he diessided to take a bath but there was a big hole in the bathtub.  So he diessided to put a big orang ball on the big hole in the bathtup.  Then he diessided to go down the big hole.  It took him to a nother bathtub.  He went flying onto the ground.  He notisd that he landed on a soft thing that was a rectangle.  Then a big giant came in and sat down on the bathtub.  He ran behind the bathtub and hid.  Then the big giant hit a long stick and all the water went down and it made a loud noise.  When the big giant was gone he diessided to clime up on the bathtub and then jump as high as he could and pole the long stick down with his tail and all the water went down and it made a loud noise.  He was luckey that the big giants didn't hear him.  Then the same giant came back and poled a long switch down and it got darke.  When the big giant was gone he jumd up and swung his tail a round and poled the long switch up and it got bright and then he poled it back down and it got dark again.  It was just like the one he had in his house but bigger.  Then he diessided to leav that room.  Then he saw a dish with lots of food in it.  He ate every single crom in it.  He was very fole after he finished eating it.  Then he dissieded to leave that room.  Then he saw more food but he diddn't want to eat it.  So he put a small green ball on a skinny thing with a circle on the end and jumed on one side of it and the small green ball went flying.  Then he diessided to leav that room.  Then he saw a big giant sitting on a big thing reeding a big huge black and white pees of papper with huge writting on it.  Then the mouse saw a huge stick on the thing but it was bigger than the one on the bathtub.  So he jumped up and pulled the stick down with his tail.  It made the back of the thing that that giant was sitting on go up.  The giant jumped up in fright.  The mouse hid behind the thing that the giant was sitting on.  When he came back in the front of the thing the giant was gone.  Then he saw a giant reading a theng that had a lot of pages.  He fliped one page and the giant ran out the room screamming.  He wondered why she was so scared.  He didn't mean to frightin her.  Then he had a good thaught.  He used his tail for making the water go down the bathtub, making the room get light and dark and making the thing the giant was sitting on go up and down.  He went out side to tell his friends.  But nobody belived him so he told them to follow him.  First he showed them the switch that looked like the one he had at his house.  He jumped up swung onto it with his tail pulled it down and every boddy cheered.  He did the escact same thing with the other stuff and every buddy wished they had a verry long tail, and they were all best frientds.
                                The End

Hopefully you were able to find out what all of the objects were... because I'm not telling! Okay, except for the fact that the rolled up blanket was a roll of paper towls.  That one was a little tricky...

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Confidence.

I lack it.  I didn't when I was healthy (well, at least not in everything), but now I do.  I guess it's a lot easier to have when things are going the way that you've planned... but, if you're like me, when everything seems to be going wrong... I'm suddenly doing EVERYTHING wrong.

Through my experiences in running and music, I know that if you're lacking confidence, your performance isn't going to be so great.  When I was eager to race because I believed that I could do something crazy... I always had one of my better races.  When I was lacking confidence, nothing "outstanding" happened.  When I was confident, I didn't set limits for myself.  I actually didn't think realistically at all.  During the one 10k that I was able to race in college (I ran 2, but one was a tempo...), there was probably nothing reasonable going through my mind at all.  If there was, I would've put together the fact that I had been constantly getting sick to my stomach, my training had been all screwed up because of it, I was on crutches for a week because my leg was stuck half bent (it really was), and everything would've seemed to add up to a not so great race.  Fortunately, I'm very good at not being realistic... which isn't always a good thing, but it comes in handy for racing.  Uncle Andy told me that I could break 39. Apparently I took that as "try to break 38," because I ran 38:04.  What made me really excited was when Uncle Andy screamed "IGNORE THE SPLITS! JUST GO!" during the race, because I was dropping time faster than we had planned. So... I went. And I didn't think about time at all... just that I needed to go faster. And faster. And faster. Oh, and maybe catch a few people while I was at it. Especially the girl who went out like a maniac and was now coming back to me... with her confidence out the window. That's how my brain works when I race... with confidence. When you go out slow and then catch a TON of people throughout a race, it's like a continuous confidence builder. However, if you go out too fast and then die and get caught by a ton of people, your confidence goes down the drain and it's hard to switch gears and make yourself go any faster.  I have a lot of experience in that too... after all, I won the "most likely to start a 5k like it's a 400" award in high school.... and I pr'd my 800, 1000 and 1500 during a 3k my senior year... and died miserably during the second half of it.

I haven't been able to run in a long time, but last Saturday I was able to play in the Alumni Jazz Band at the Jazz night at our high school.  I had plans to just play along and get through the concert without doing anything crazy, but when our director asked who wanted to improvise in G Blues during the last song... I had to fight between my urge to solo in my favorite key to improvise in, and my lack of confidence that I usually have when I'm up on stage surrounded by extremely talented musicians.  My love for improvising in the key of G won me over, and next thing I knew I was counted on to solo.  Improvising without confidence is not a good combination. Actually, playing at all without confidence isn't good.  All of my band directors have always said that they'd rather have us play confidently and make mistakes than play so quiet that nobody can hear... especially while playing jazz.  If you make a mistake... make it with confidence.  If you're not mentally prepared, it's not going to go well. Just like racing. Hmm.

I've been lacking confidence in a lot of things lately.  I never know if I'm doing the right thing. I question my weird undiagnosed illness, the fact that I'm taking another semester off of school, and that I'm still not running, among a ton of other things, constantly.  When people ask me about majors, I freak out.  When they ask why I'm not taking online classes, I freak out.  I don't have a visible "freak out," but it all builds up in my mind and then I go home and... well, think I'm a failure and get all depressed.  This past week I've been working on being more confident in the way I'm handling what's going on. Instead of freaking out about running, I try to be very confident in what I am doing right now... swimming!  When it comes to majors... well, I'm taking this time to think about (and probably change) my major.  I'm learning to be okay with not knowing what I want to do. After all, my dad went to college to be an airplane mechanic... he's been installing dehumidifiers and things like that ever since I've been alive, and he's pretty happy with it.  And of course, sometimes I actually have to be realistic and realize that taking online classes and/or trying to train right now would be very, very stupid.

Just like in  running and music... confidence makes a huge difference in our quality of life.  My counselor told me that even if she helps me to completely get rid of any depression and anxiety that goes along with being sick... I'll still be sick.  She said that her job is to help me to improve the little bit of my quality of life that I still have... and it all starts with not doubting myself  as much as I do and to have confidence in what I'm doing (and more importantly, what God's doing. She didn't say that, but that was the first thing that came to my mind). Even if it feels like I'm "falling behind," losing friends, and not accomplishing anything... I need to trust that God will use this for something better.  Who knows what that is... but, we'll see.