Easter break.

I am home for Easter and I'm getting some much needed rest.  I've been too sick to do much besides sleep since I've been home, which has been really hard for me.  I'm trying to remember that getting through a year of school while being sick is a big deal, and that I need to rest during this break anyways so that I'll have enough energy to get through the last 4 weeks of school... yet I'm still good at starting to think that I'm just a boring, lazy bum.  Chronic illnesses are just so weird and long and sometimes boring... but, they are also a brilliant way for God to teach me things that I probably wouldn't have learned any other way.

I've heard it said that when people are sick for a very long time, they can start to grow bitter.  I've met bitter people, but I've also met some ridiculously awesome, joyful people who have been through enough to make even the happiest, optimistic person become bitter... yet they're still joyful.  Those are my favorite people, because it's obvious where they get their joy from.  Being sick has taught me that joy, peace and faith are so much more than feelings, and that if I ask God for them, God does something really cool.  He just dishes them out to me like it's what He's been waiting for me to ask Him for ages.  Sometimes I have to keep asking God for the fruits of the spirit throughout the day because each struggle that I go through every day can drain me of anything good if I let it... but, each struggle can also be used as a way for God to teach me more about Him and the person that He's molding me into, if I let it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a fan of being sick. The past few weeks have been especially hard because of how tired I am.  I can't explain how sick I am of this fever.  I think people forget that I have a fever sometimes, and that when you have a fever, well... it's not always easy to think straight, or to hold a conversation, or to just stay awake in general.  I just always enjoy time to think and reflect, because then I have time to see a tiny glimpse of what God's been up to.  And He's been up to a lot.
 
"That is what mortals misunderstand. They say of temporal suffering, 'no future bliss can make up for it,' not knowing that Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into a glory."
-C.S. Lewis, The Great Divorce

(It took me a few days to get this posted, because I've only been able to write little bits at a time... so I didn't know it was going to be the day before Easter... so... Happy Easter!!!!  Christ has risen, and that's something to be joyful about!)

Letting Go.

One of the hardest struggles that I've had while being sick and at school is being content with not having as much energy as I used to.  It didn't bother me as much at home, but that's because I wasn't surrounded by a bunch of college kids who somehow have this ability to constantly be doing something, and that something is hardly ever sleeping (except on Saturday mornings, when the dining hall doesn't even open until 10:30 due to the fact that everyone except for myself is still sleeping).  The thing is, I don't get jealous about their energy, I just realize that I used to be one of the most energized of them all.  And then I feel guilty.  Yeah, I know, it's weird.  I don't just miss it, I start getting mad at myself because I feel like I've "changed."  Of course, I'm brilliant when it comes to ignoring the fact that I'm sick and that I didn't randomly decide to see what it's like to live a much "calmer" life.  I'm also really good at finding old videos on Facebook of my friends and me doing the "Evolution of Dance" (we practiced so much that I had it memorized...), which is normally followed by a pitiful "I used to be so much more fun!"

Of course I miss being healthy - I think it'd be unhealthy to not miss living a healthy life - but, I'm slowly learning that in order to be content with my "current lifestyle," I need to stop trying to live up to whatever super bubbly, energetic, aerobically fit expectation of myself that I have... and instead I just need to focus on glorifying God today, and on doing what I'm able to do today.

Yeah, I'd like that energy back.  I already have in mind a few things that I'd like to do, including... learning to break dance (I have big dreams).  But, I think it's about time to let go of clinging to my " before getting sick" self and work on clinging to God instead, because He tends to have a much better perspective than I do (there's always a possibility that His plan for my life involves break dancing...).

So... here's to being a 21 year old who enjoys long runs walks, reading, writing, knitting, and conversing and laughing (and sometimes crying) with a friend or two over a cup of hot tea (preferably sleepy time tea... if it's actually time to go to sleep).

Oh, and by the way... this is encouraging:

Satan may be sly but on some things he is stupid, because he fails to see that all his attempts to despoil the godly are simply turned by God's providence into occasions for the purifying and strengthening of faith. God's goal for his people in this age is not primarily to rid them of sickness and pain, but to purge us of all the remnants of sin and cause us in our weakness to cleave to him as our only hope. - John Piper