Dog Sledding!

On Wednesday I headed out to my coach's parents' house for the annual dog sled program at the local library!  Little did I know that a lot of sled dogs are Siberian Huskies, which happen to be the dogs that I've been terrified of ever since I was attacked by one in 7th grade.  At first, I was terrified of any dog besides our dog after that, then I slowly went back to my normal self that loved dogs... except for Siberian huskies.  Well, Wednesday brought a chance for me to conquer my fear... and they didn't attack me!  I passed out cookies to everyone who was outside for most of the time, but I was offered a ride on the sled after all of the kids went! I hopped on, and attempted to take a picture while the dogs were running.  I have to admit, the dogs were very nice and they didn't try to eat me.





I had dinner and spent the night there, but I was SO dead by the end of the day.  I took a nap before dinner and went to bed at 8.  Thankfully, they are wonderful people and are very understanding of everything that's going on.  I normally bring pain killers whenever I go somewhere and want to have fun, but I switched backpacks and left them home by accident! Unfortunately, I didn't realize that until about 10pm while I was still laying in bed because my body hurt too much to sleep.  Eventually, I did fall asleep and was able to drive back the next morning, and then I had visitors at home! 3 of the guys from the cross country team came to visit!  I was very dead and in a lot of pain, but I enjoyed seeing friends that I haven't been able to see in a long time.  Once they headed home, I realized how terrible I felt.  Even though I've been in a lot of pain throughout all of this, that night was the worst it's been yet.  My dad was sure I was coming down with the flu on top of my normal problems because I was so sick and miserable, but now we're pretty sure that my "illness" (whatever it may be...) is starting to get worse... or at least had a rough few days.  Somebody called to see how I was doing, but I couldn't even hold a conversation because I was so sick.  It was not fun.  On Friday, I had another visitor! I feel bad, because I was really not feeling up to talking a lot... especially about being sick.  But, I was still very thankful that people were thinking of me and even cared enough to visit.  I just wish I could have showed it a little more... normally I love talking!

My dad talked to the receptionist at the rheumatologist's office to see if I can come in to get my blood drawn as soon as they get the kit from California, but she didn't know what kit he was talking about and kept telling him that we could just ask the doctor to order it at my appointment on March 15th.  We tried to explain, but she didn't seem to know anything about the blood test already being ordered, so she eventually said that my doctor will be back on Monday and we can just talk to him then.  Sigh.

Hopefully I won't be feeling too terrible tomorrow, because my parents are helping at a bowling thing for the Canal Museum and I think it'd be worth putting my energy into bowling some more 30's and winning the prize for the lowest score (I was that bad when I was healthy too!)!  The pain isn't as bad today, and I've bowled through the fever a couple of times already, so I don't see any reason not to win... I mean... lose but get a prize for losing so bad!

Words from the Wise

Yesterday, I decided to see what would happen if I tried to run.  The doctors keep asking, I keep wondering... so... I went for it.  And failed.  Miserably.  I walked for 6 minutes first, then I decided to run 10 minutes and walk some more.  My legs were hurting before I even started, but I figured 10 minutes wouldn't kill me.  However, I made it 8 minutes into the run and felt the very first pain of an oncoming explosion...  the feeling that I have pushed through far too many times.  I know from experience that when I keep running after I feel that very first not-so-pleasant feeling, the rest of the day is going to consist of ridiculous amounts of pain and getting sick.  I had plans to make a surprise visit to my grandma's, and thankfully, I was able to realize that visiting grandma was much more important than that run, so I went back to walking for a few minutes before calling it quits, giving my intestines some time to settle down, and cleaning up to see Grandma. 

My grandma lives in an assisted living place, and I have to admit... I almost want to move in there with her.  It's so cool.  They have activities throughout the day on the week days, and they even have an "outing" every week... ranging from trips to museums to dinner at a restaurant.  As soon as I walked in, I could hear my Grandma's voice so I walked up behind her and said "Hi Grandma!"  The first thing she said was "MICHELLE! Where's your father?!" I told her that I drove there, and apparently she forgot that I'm 20 years old because she went around to everyone there (nurses included) and told them that I drove myself to come visit her!  It was very funny, and once my grandma remembered that I was 20, she decided to have all of her friends guess my age.  Most seemed to think I was somewhere between 13-15 years old.  Seeing as I've never looked my age, it doesn't bother me at all anymore so I was getting a kick out of it.  Anyways, another reason I love that place is because I love old people.  They know a whole lot more about life than I do, and they've been through everything from the Great Depression, to WWII, to the Cold War.  They know the challenges of life... but they also know the joy of life.  Grandma also had to explain to everyone that I was very sick and home from college.  A lot of them told me that I was handling it so well and that it was great that I was still smiling so much.  It made my day.  Usually people will say something along the lines of "You look good!"  Honestly, that just makes me wish I could say that I feel the same.  The nurse at my Internists even told me that I couldn't be that sick because I smiled.  Seriously?  Is it a requirement for sick people to be miserably 24/7?  The old people said it much better.  Much, much better.  My grandma had even gone to the extent of explaining how my blood was going to be sent to California to get tested for Lyme.  Usually I'm very careful that whoever is explaining everything is explaining it accurately, but... I couldn't help but be amused at what happens when stuff about Lyme Disease spreads around an assisted living center.  Someone had asked me what it was and how I could have gotten it.  I explained that people get it from ticks, and that I spent 7 years of my life running at a park that the newspaper nicknamed "Ground Zero for Lyme Disease."  I also made sure to tell them that as of now, we don't know what I have, so it might be something else.  First, a lady explained it to another person by saying that I went to a park and the bugs made me sick.  By the end of the day, word had gone around that I picked up a bug at school called Lyme.  I couldn't help but laugh about that when I was driving home.

Before I headed home, I joined them in the entertainment for the afternoon... listening to a man (who happened to know my entire family) sing old songs that they could sing along too.  I explained to Grandma that he used to be her UPS man, and she loved it when he pointed her out in the crowd and said that he used to make deliveries at her house.  Grandma was having a blast singing to all of the songs, and I was very, very happy about it.  I don't know if people in heaven can see what's going on down here or not, but if they can... I think Grandpa was enjoying the scene too.  Before I headed home, a bunch of the ladies wished me well and gave me some very important advice: "You have a long time.  Take care of yourself. "  Finally.  People who weren't so rushed to get through life.  People who had already been through at least 4x more of it than I have.  Of course they wanted me to get better... but, life is long.  Things will get better.  Eventually.

I smell spaghetti dinner!

I'm feeling way too yucky to write much, but I wanted to write a quick update:

1) I randomly was able to swim 800 meters without stopping on Friday, which was very exciting for me, especially because I almost didn't even try to swim because I felt too tired to even get there!  I even felt alright for a few hours after it. :)
2) I was able to enjoy the warm weather on Friday by taking a walk with a friend. Friday was a pretty good day!
7.285) I saw some friends yesterday, too! They came to visit...then... I crashed. Big time.
4) I've spent most of today sleeping on the couch or laying in my bed (or on the floor) resting... although I did make it to church this morning with my parents, which was the first time in a few weeks.  Today's been very rough, but... my mom's making a gluten/soy/dairy free spaghetti dinner.  The most difficult times make me very, very thankful for my parents.  And on that note... it's spaghetti dinner time!

Doctors, blood work, and... warm weather?!

Yesterday was my first visit with the Rheumatologist.  He really didn't have much to say, besides that my Baker's cyst isn't a Baker's cyst.  He thinks it's a muscle deformity, but he said he really didn't know either.  Yeah. Hearing doctor's say that they have no idea what's going on with your body all of the time gets really, really frustrating.  He did order a TON of blood tests though, so that was good.  He also ordered the IGeneX kit from California so that we can send my blood there to get tested for Lyme.  I'm still really confused about who to trust seeing as IGeneX says people have Lyme when a lot of other labs say they don't... but... we'll see.  My Western Blot from Quest Diagnostics came back negative, but if IGeneX were to look at the same results they would say it was equivocal... which isn't very helpful, but it makes the doctors curious.  Unfortunately, I don't have another doctors appointment until March, so we're back to waiting around again... which isn't fun.  At all.

I am very, very sick of this.  The 2 days of 50 degree weather makes it feel like it's spring... and as much as I LOVE spring, I wanted to be healthy by the time the weather was nice.  The warm weather is almost a cruel reminder that I'm too sick to be enjoying it like I'd usually be... although, the warm weather is still very nice. I just really don't want to spend anymore time taking naps and being a bum, but there are days when I really don't have the energy to do much more than that.  I'm still trying very hard to make the most out of the things that I can do... but the past few days have been pretty discouraging.  I've managed to go from not being able to swim in January to doing 20 lengths (about 450meters) of the front crawl without stopping, but I could hardly swim any laps on Wednesday.  After awhile I realized that usually we have our lessons on Wednesday (we're on a 2 week break between sessions), so I normally don't actually do very much swimming on those days...  just a lot of learning.  So, I guess my body had a reason to be exhausted.  Last night at Pit, it seemed IMPOSSIBLE to play my french horn.  I couldn't hit a note, and everything was out of tune.  The band director had given me a heads up that something was up with the horn when he played it too, so that made me feel a little better.  After playing through all 2 hours of rehearsal and then trying to fix it with the HS band director, the retired band director saved the day and noticed that the slides looked weird.  Some little punk had switched the slides around! Just in case you're not familiar with french horns - they have 8 slides, which is why the very first thing I learned was to never take more than one out at a time, because you'll probably put them back in the wrong place.  It sounds much better now... phew.  Besides that and some tutoring, this week has been pretty uneventful (unless sleeping is eventful to you, but I think it's really boring)... but, I get to see a few friends (and hopefully my grandma!) this weekend, so hopefully the next few days will be better!

In the Pit.

"I waited patiently for the Lord;

he inclined to me and heard my cry.

He drew me up from the desolate pit,

out of the miry bog,

and set  my feet upon a rock,

making my steps secure.

He put a new song in my mouth,

a song of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear,

and put their trust in the Lord."

~Psalm 40: 1-3 (NRSV)

The term "pit" is found in the Psalms and the book of Job a lot.  When people fall into a "pit" in their lives, it feels like everything is falling part.  It makes me feel much better knowing that there are a ton of lament psalms that I can relate to (Psalm 6!), especially when things seem to really stink.  Things just seem to be getting more difficult everyday, but... not everything is terrible.  I'm trying very hard to focus on the things that I can do and the people that I can help while I'm in this situation... and to do those things prayerfully and meaningfully.  That's really the only way I can get through this.  Whether it's swimming, helping a friend, reading, spending time with my parents, playing music, or even... RESTING... I'm trying to be very focused on how that can help others and myself... and especially my relationship with God.  Playing music has always been one of my favorite stress relievers.  Speaking of music, I've also found myself in another pit... the Pit Orchestra for my high school's musical!  It just so happened that they didn't have a french horn player, so I'm taking a trip back in time to high school to play with them.  It's very exhausting (I was in it my senior year in hs), and I was freaking out before I went to rehearsal last week because I didn't know if I could handle it... but, once I was given a french horn to play, I was very, very happy and I decided that I could make it through 2 hours of rehearsal before I went home and collapsed on the couch.  The band director knows that I'm sick, so he's being very lenient with me and letting me skip rehearsals when I need to.  And I thought I'd never have the chance to play french horn again... how cool.

I can't wait until the day that I can sing that "new song" in Psalm 40, but... God's giving me what I need, even when I'm in that yucky pit.  I just need to keep trusting Him.

Yesterday's doctor update

 Let's just say my "expect the worst" mentality that I had before I went still wasn't enough to prepare me for how I'd feel after it.  Even though I expected the worst... I still hoped for something better.  The doctor is stumped, once again.  This time he called me a "puzzle," and he did the whole "you might have something that's not even discovered yet" thing.  You'd think a doctor would want to be the one to discover that new disease... but instead they just hand me off to another one.  This is my good doctor, the one I talked about in this post, so it was very depressing to hear it come from him too.  But, he is still working on his "process of elimination," by taking a bold move and... taking me off all of my meds.  I know he wants to see if I could have "drug fever" from any of them, but I think he wants to start from scratch too... especially because some of the meds that I'm on aren't meds that you want to be on if you don't have too.  I really don't think my meds are causing all of my problems, seeing as the reason that I was put on them was because I was sick... but he is right about them either not helping or even causing other symptoms.  Unfortunately, we're put on another 2 month "waiting game" with this doctor to see what happens when I've been off of everything for awhile.  I didn't take that part so well yesterday.  It's very scary... and frustrating... and depressing.  I left the doctors a complete mess, but I was able to make it through the day thanks to some wonderful people.  First, my dad turned the wrong direction while driving home... because he wanted to cheer me up and buy me the new Josh Wilson album! It's really good, and my dad likes it too! When my dad and I both like someone's music, that's a big deal.  I also got a very encouraging email from Uncle Andy, I had a nice tutoring distraction for a little while, and then something really cool happened! But, I'm not going to say what it is until the next post.  I was still very depressed despite of all of that, but it was enough to keep me going. 

Here's one of my new favorite songs, which I've listened to over and over again since we bought the cd yesterday...





Back at it.

I've had a month long break from doctor appointments and tests due to the antibiotic "experiment," which didn't do anything.  It was nice (and really weird) not having to go to the doctors for the first week or so, but I am more than ready to get moving along again.  The past week or so has been really tough, because I've been done with the antibiotics for over week, so I knew that we were just waiting and not making any progress for awhile.  This morning, I'm headed back to the internist's and I'm trying very hard not to expect much, because he's the one who referred me to the rheumatologist (which is where I'm going next week) so he'll most likely explain to me what my test results mean and why I'm going there. But, he is a very good doctor, so maybe he'll do more now that he's tried the antibiotics (which, as annoying as it was to be on meds for 3 weeks that didn't do anything, was a very good idea because it pretty much ruled out any infection that he could have missed).  I'll post an update sometime after the appointment if I feel up to it.  For now, if you see this and think of it... prayers would be awesome! THANK YOU!