Fear.

A few days ago, my fellow painter, Paige, was talking about getting over our fears and trusting God. When I think of being afraid, I think of a fear of... well... concrete things. Things I can wrap my head around. I think of heights, spiders, clowns, crocodiles... you get the idea. So, naturally, when it came to being sick I'd think of fear as being afraid that something was seriously wrong with my body, or that something would go wrong during surgery, or even that my ridiculously low heart rate of a good 'ol 33 bpm would somehow cause even more problems. Honestly, these things aren't what freak me out most of the time. Seeing as I wasn't afraid of any of those things... it'd seem like that meant I didn't fear because I trusted God with all of that. Yeah, that's what I thought. However, I freak out all the time that this whole sickness/exploding deal is somehow caused by me screwing something up along the way. I've been afraid that I should have figured out what makes me sick by now, and that it's my fault that I haven't. I've been afraid that it's my fault that my iron dropped to a ridiculously low level of 8, causing me to take a season off, because I didn't eat what I was supposed to. Most of all, I've been afraid that I just wasn't being tough enough and that all of these tests and doctor appointments have been completely unnecessary. I didn't realize that all of these fears that I had weren't any different than being afraid of surgery... or doctor appointments... or scary tests. They are all burdens that I can give to God and trust HIM with. Even if I didn't do everything perfectly... that's okay. The God who created the universe can surely fix what I've messed up. I've prayed like crazy and I've tried as hard as I can to figure out what's going on inside of my body. Sometimes I just have to face the fact that things are beyond my control, and instead of freaking out about what I can't change, I just need to be still... and know that He is God.