What a year for a new year...

Oh, 2011.  I don't even know where to begin.

I remember going in to 2011 and trying to imagine what God was going to do in it.  The funny thing is that you can never imagine what God is going to do... He always blows my mind.  I was sure I'd be diagnosed by now, and I was also sure that there was no way I was going to stay sane if I wasn't diagnosed by now...  because life "undiagnosed" just couldn't possibly last that long.  Well, it has... and I'm still relatively sane, I think.  Okay, I guess it'd be better to say I'm not utterly depressed and I sure don't feel hopeless.  I wouldn't say I act like a normal human being... but I don't think I ever have...

Even though I'm definitely not doing any better physically, I've learned that it really is possible to "keep on keepin' on" when your circumstances stay bad for a very long time.  Now, if this is where you're expecting to hear that you can do ANYTHING with a positive attitude, then, my apologies.  A positive attitude by itself would have been long gone before the year even started if that's all I was getting by on.  Eventually I would have realized that all I had worked for was falling apart, and that I wasn't well enough to "work harder" or "chase after my dreams" or to fix what had gone wrong.  I'm not even sure what went wrong.  I can't tell you what day this started,  and I've finally figured out that nothing in my power can fix it.

... but I know Jesus, and I've felt His love and peace.  I've read His words and I know that blessed assurance that death is defeated, that God really is in control, and that He has the power to do things beyond my imagination.  I know that God doesn't enjoy seeing us suffer, but His Word always reminds me that the ending will be worth it.  Even though 2011 brought so many struggles with it (that aren't even over yet), God used it to teach me so much about Him and His will, and to draw me closer to Him.  Because of Jesus, I can wake up each morning and be joyful, because He's given me another day to praise Him.  That doesn't mean I'm always happy despite how I feel, but when I'm down about things, God encourages me through other people and through His Word, and that's what has gotten me through the year... and even made it a year worth looking back on.  I didn't think I could make it through another year of this, but God showed me that He can get me through one day at a time, and that's all I ever need.

"If for this life only we have hoped in Christ, we are of all people most to be pitied."

-1 Corinthians 15:19

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! By his great mercy he has given us a new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who are being protected by the power of God through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, even if now for a little while you have had to suffer various trials, so that the genuineness of your faith - being more precious than gold that, though perishable, is tested by fire - may be found to result in praise and glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Although you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and rejoice with an indescribable and glorious joy, for you are receiving the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

- 1 Peter 1:3-9

I'm going to try and write another post about everything that happened this year, but I've been feeling very sick (the fever is worse) so it might take a while for me to post anything... at least anything that makes sense to normal people whose brains don't feel like they're melting away.

Christmas.

I love Christmas, but it's not an easy time of year when you're sick.  I think the hardest part about it is that there's always this expectation that Christmas has to be all great and wonderful... because it's Christmas! You know, just some added pressure to have as perfect as a day as possible.  And, of course, I've always thought that if something that's supposed to be great isn't as great as expected, it was probably all my fault.

... but I've learned a whole lot this year, and one of the things I've learned is that feeling guilty for how difficult a difficult time is usually just makes it much more difficult than it was in the first place.  Knowing that it's okay to not be okay (even on Christmas) is essential for surviving a long, draining, mysterious illness... at least for me.

Christmas really wasn't terrible, and I definitely don't mean to make it sound like it was!  It was actually really good... and really hard, too.  On Christmas eve, we get together with my dad's side of the family to eat food and exchange gifts.  I love both of those things, and I especially loved that my 9 year old cousin was dressed as Santa because she wanted to pass out the gifts to everyone.  But, not having the energy to play with my 9 year old cousin as much as I'd like is getting really old.  We go to the 10pm service on Christmas Eve, and my parents always tell me that I can stay home and rest instead, but Christmas without church makes me sad, so I get all layered up and head out with them... but I still don't understand why we can't wear pajamas to that service.

Christmas morning is my favorite, but waking up with a fever for the second year in the row was a little discouraging, because I never thought I'd still be in the same situation an entire year later.  My brother, sister-in-law and I still wait at the top of the stairs until my parents say we can come down, and then we all open presents together, which is always really fun.  I survived the morning, but by the time some more family came over for dinner, I was feeling really sick and had to lay down for awhile.  I'm really not a fan of having to rest when I could be having fun with my family.

The best part about Christmas though, is that we get to celebrate the birth of Jesus.  Presents and Christmas trees are great, but if that's all Christmas was about, it'd be really depressing, because presents and trees can't save anyone.  Christmas is the reason why it's okay that I'm not okay, because I know that the God who sent His son to save us in the most humble and unexpected way is in complete control of my life.  Christmas is why I can still be filled with joy, even when the day we celebrate it includes fevers and unwanted naps... and I really hope everyone else experienced that joy this Christmas (I also hope that you had a Christmas tree and exchanged some presents - with at least one homemade present - because I'm pretty sure Jesus enjoys seeing us enjoy a good Christmas tree and a happy, grateful time of unwrapping and playfully throwing paper and bows at each other, too.).

Letting Go.

One of the hardest struggles that I've had while being sick and at school is being content with not having as much energy as I used to.  It didn't bother me as much at home, but that's because I wasn't surrounded by a bunch of college kids who somehow have this ability to constantly be doing something, and that something is hardly ever sleeping (except on Saturday mornings, when the dining hall doesn't even open until 10:30 due to the fact that everyone except for myself is still sleeping).  The thing is, I don't get jealous about their energy, I just realize that I used to be one of the most energized of them all.  And then I feel guilty.  Yeah, I know, it's weird.  I don't just miss it, I start getting mad at myself because I feel like I've "changed."  Of course, I'm brilliant when it comes to ignoring the fact that I'm sick and that I didn't randomly decide to see what it's like to live a much "calmer" life.  I'm also really good at finding old videos on Facebook of my friends and me doing the "Evolution of Dance" (we practiced so much that I had it memorized...), which is normally followed by a pitiful "I used to be so much more fun!"

Of course I miss being healthy - I think it'd be unhealthy to not miss living a healthy life - but, I'm slowly learning that in order to be content with my "current lifestyle," I need to stop trying to live up to whatever super bubbly, energetic, aerobically fit expectation of myself that I have... and instead I just need to focus on glorifying God today, and on doing what I'm able to do today.

Yeah, I'd like that energy back.  I already have in mind a few things that I'd like to do, including... learning to break dance (I have big dreams).  But, I think it's about time to let go of clinging to my " before getting sick" self and work on clinging to God instead, because He tends to have a much better perspective than I do (there's always a possibility that His plan for my life involves break dancing...).

So... here's to being a 21 year old who enjoys long runs walks, reading, writing, knitting, and conversing and laughing (and sometimes crying) with a friend or two over a cup of hot tea (preferably sleepy time tea... if it's actually time to go to sleep).

Oh, and by the way... this is encouraging:

Satan may be sly but on some things he is stupid, because he fails to see that all his attempts to despoil the godly are simply turned by God's providence into occasions for the purifying and strengthening of faith. God's goal for his people in this age is not primarily to rid them of sickness and pain, but to purge us of all the remnants of sin and cause us in our weakness to cleave to him as our only hope. - John Piper

Done!

The last few weeks of the semester were crazy, which is why I've disappeared from the "blogging world" for a little while.  Writing papers and taking finals is always interesting when you have a fever, but... I'm done!  I made it, and now I'm happily resting at home for the next few weeks!  I am SO excited that I actually made it through the semester with everything that's going on!  It was extremely difficult at times, but I've learned what it means to rely on God, and I've also learned that He'll do amazing things when you do... like get you through a semester of school while somehow keeping your grades up.

While I was at school, we were in touch with my oncologist, who suggested that I go to Mayo Clinic.  In order to go to Mayo Clinic, you have to apply as a patient and then be accepted by them.  I mailed back my patient application on Tuesday morning, so now we're just waiting again.  If you haven't noticed, being sick involves a lot of waiting.  It's probably my least favorite part, but I'm getting more used to it.  I just read 2 Peter this morning, and in chapter 3 it talks about how people will start scoffing and saying that Jesus' promise to come back isn't true because it's been so long and he hasn't come back yet, but then Peter writes "But do not ignore this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like one day. The Lord is not slow about his promise, as some think of slowness, but is patient with you, not wanting any to perish, but all to come to repentance." -2 Peter 3:8-9.  I know that it doesn't exactly have to do with being sick, but it helps me to remember that God's timing is perfect, even when it seems like things are moving reaaally slow!

I have a whole lot to write about, so I plan on posting a lot more during break!