Letting Go.

One of the hardest struggles that I've had while being sick and at school is being content with not having as much energy as I used to.  It didn't bother me as much at home, but that's because I wasn't surrounded by a bunch of college kids who somehow have this ability to constantly be doing something, and that something is hardly ever sleeping (except on Saturday mornings, when the dining hall doesn't even open until 10:30 due to the fact that everyone except for myself is still sleeping).  The thing is, I don't get jealous about their energy, I just realize that I used to be one of the most energized of them all.  And then I feel guilty.  Yeah, I know, it's weird.  I don't just miss it, I start getting mad at myself because I feel like I've "changed."  Of course, I'm brilliant when it comes to ignoring the fact that I'm sick and that I didn't randomly decide to see what it's like to live a much "calmer" life.  I'm also really good at finding old videos on Facebook of my friends and me doing the "Evolution of Dance" (we practiced so much that I had it memorized...), which is normally followed by a pitiful "I used to be so much more fun!"

Of course I miss being healthy - I think it'd be unhealthy to not miss living a healthy life - but, I'm slowly learning that in order to be content with my "current lifestyle," I need to stop trying to live up to whatever super bubbly, energetic, aerobically fit expectation of myself that I have... and instead I just need to focus on glorifying God today, and on doing what I'm able to do today.

Yeah, I'd like that energy back.  I already have in mind a few things that I'd like to do, including... learning to break dance (I have big dreams).  But, I think it's about time to let go of clinging to my " before getting sick" self and work on clinging to God instead, because He tends to have a much better perspective than I do (there's always a possibility that His plan for my life involves break dancing...).

So... here's to being a 21 year old who enjoys long runs walks, reading, writing, knitting, and conversing and laughing (and sometimes crying) with a friend or two over a cup of hot tea (preferably sleepy time tea... if it's actually time to go to sleep).

Oh, and by the way... this is encouraging:

Satan may be sly but on some things he is stupid, because he fails to see that all his attempts to despoil the godly are simply turned by God's providence into occasions for the purifying and strengthening of faith. God's goal for his people in this age is not primarily to rid them of sickness and pain, but to purge us of all the remnants of sin and cause us in our weakness to cleave to him as our only hope. - John Piper