"I throw my hands up in the air sometimes..."

Because of a sweet video that the Today Show made with Mike Tompkins to the song "Dynamite," I've had the song constantly playing through my head. It's funny, because when I'm happy, I think of throwing my hands up in the air in... well, a happy way. Like celebrating about something. On the other hand, when I'm feeling like poop (physically, mentally, or both), I think of it as a gesture of frustration.

Since my last post... there's been a lot to "throw my hands up in the air" about. Besides the fever, Thanksgiving was wonderful. We went to my Aunt and Uncle's and ate dinner with the whole family. My parents made me special gluten/soy/dairy free banana bread, stuffing, and squash, AND they bought me a pie that I could eat. Food (that I can eat) + Family = a very happy me.

On Friday, I headed out to Rome to spend time with Uncle Andy's family. It was WONDERFUL, and definitely the most fun I've had in a LONG time. I hadn't seen him and Aunt Jen since I'd left school, so I was super excited about it all week. After eating dinner, we headed out to Clinton for a Christmas festival that Uncle Andy plays his trumpet at. Once again, for the first time in a very, very long time, I was super happy. My "Uncle" was playing Christmas music, everything was all lit up and pretty, and there were some really fun little shops all around. I've always been a people person, but now relationships are even more important to me... especially the relationships where I feel completely comfortable being myself, even my sick/sometimes an emotional wreck/not as exciting as usual, self. We laughed, we teased each other (okay, maybe it was more like I was the one getting teased... =P), I woke Aunt Jen up by jumping on her in the morning, and Mrs. Dorr even told me that she wished she had a 4th son so that I could marry him. Yeah. I love that family.

I think I was on an emotional high because of all of that. Unfortunately, not every day is like that. Today was another tough one... a day to throw my hands up in frustration. Having a low grade fever for 47 days is ridiculous. It's enough to make me feel like poop, yet I get really confused because we have no idea what's causing it, so I have no idea what I'm supposed to be (or not supposed to be) doing. So what do I do? I get mad at myself for not being as productive as I'd like, for going a day without exercising (and then I do stupid things like running until I'm completely wiped out, which I then... get mad at myself for!), for zoning out for long periods of time, etc. I'm still hanging in there though, and I'm finding joy in things that I wouldn't have experienced if this wasn't happening. When I start freaking out, I remember how I felt when I was listening to the Christmas music in Clinton, or watching Christmas movies with my parents, or even seeing my friend's progress after only a week of tutoring her in chemistry (which I'm really enjoying!). These are all things that wouldn't have happened if I wasn't home sick. My parents and I are working as a team to get through this, and every little bit of encouragement that we get from other people makes a world of difference.

On the medical side of things: I had a liver/gallbladder sonogram today, and we're still waiting to get into the infectious disease people at Upstate. Meanwhile, the doctors continue to be stumped. Eventually, things will get better... but for now, we wait and trust God that we'll find answers!

It's video time!

Change is good. Especially when it involves videos. Marie came along and video taped a day at Northeast Medical Center on Tuesday. It's really not that exciting. That day... wasn't very exciting. Most of the video has to do with waiting... I've been doing a lot of that. I apologize for the shaking, Marie felt awkward walking around the medical center with a video camera, so she was trying to make it not so obvious...

Here's a link to that video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lP0KuaIf9-0

I'll be doing more of these throughout all of this. Whatever "this" ends up being. They make getting tests done a little more fun. Yeah, that's right. I just put tests (no, not school tests... I'd much rather be taking tests) and fun in the same sentence.

It's a good thing that those tests were on Tuesday and not yesterday, because I felt TERRIBLE yesterday. I stayed in my pj's all day and pretty much did... nothing. Sigh. My dad bought me a puzzle to work on, so that keeps me busy when I feel like poop. I've also been busy moving everything from school back into my room. Normally, I'd get it done in a day... but I kind of move in slow motion most of the time now. I unpack something, then I sit there. I unpack another thing... and then I sit there. Yeah. I'm not the most productive person right now, and it's really frustrating. My dad has to constantly remind me that I'm SICK, which is why I'm not getting much done. Sometimes I forget and try to be normal. It doesn't go so well.


And, while I was at it, I uploaded a video that Marie and I made a few days after my surgery this summer. You can watch that too! Yeah... apparently making videos is my therapy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A-ePT5ULlkw

P.S. If you don't know the song "Therapy" by Relient K, I'd suggest listening to it. It's one of my favorites. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hF8tkk497GA

I'm a youtubing maniac tonight!

"This is where the healing begins..."

The last time I posted something, I was back at school. This time... I'm back home... on medical leave... for at least the rest of this semester. It was really hard to make the decision to leave school and focus on getting healthy, but with the help of some wonderful friends, coaches, and my parents... I'm home. Where I need to be. I had to go back to Roberts yesterday (I was home for another colonoscopy earlier in the week) to move all of my stuff out and hand in my key... it was very, very sad. They even took my name tag out of my mailbox... sigh. Thankfully, all of the stressful school/medical leave things are coming to an end, and I can finally relax and focus on getting healthy. It'll probably be a long road... but it's one I can't avoid.

At first, I was VERY scared to leave Roberts. It was more because I didn't want to leave the people than anything else. I LOVE people. I love my friends, I love my coaches, I love the Garlock people, I love my professors... and I really couldn't see myself leaving any of them. Then, I realized that relationships don't just fall apart because you leave for awhile. Some of them even get stronger. What helps me out a lot is realizing that I still have friends at home. Besides being home with pneumonia, I hadn't been home for more than a couple of days since last Christmas, because I worked at Roberts all summer. Despite the fact that I've been nonexistent in Chittenango for a long, long time... things really haven't changed. In fact, a few of my friends that I grew up with and haven't seen in a LONG time came and visited me tonight, and it was WONDERFUL. Yeah, we've grown up (a little), but things are pretty much the same. Honestly, it wasn't very different from when I used to hang out with them ALL of the time back in high school. I love friends, and it reassured me that just because I leave somewhere, doesn't mean I'm leaving people for good. God keeps together what he wants to keep together.

One song that I've been listening to when I freak out about everything is Tenth Avenue North's "Healing Begins" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFUHrXfuNU4). It helps me get back on track when I get depressed and anxious about everything, because home is really where I need to be in order to heal... physically, mentally, and spiritually.