In my last post, I said that I had a lot to write about... well, I do.
The past few weeks have been very difficult. I've been feeling more exhausted than normal (which wasn't normal in the first place), and I've been having a lot of abdominal pain and headaches again, along with my constant low-grade fever. I've also been trying to figure out what tests I need to have done within the next few weeks along with staying on top of all of my school work. Thankfully, I love school and learning, so it's not too hard to motivate myself to do my work. I'm just slow at it, because I'm so tired most of the time.
On top of all that, I've been completely freaking out about cross country for the past few weeks. Obviously, I can't compete or train. I can do "moderate activity" (whatever that means), but I have to listen to my body and know when to stop... which is a lot harder to figure out than it sounds. Especially when you have the stubborn, distance runner "grr I can run through anything" mentality ingrained in your head from 9 years of competitive running.
As you can probably imagine, not being able to train or compete for an indefinite amount of time makes being on the cross country team... well, weird. And hard. And lonely. And upsetting. I realized the other day that there are only 2 girls and 2 guys on the team who knew me when I was relatively healthy (my freshman year). The rest of the team only knows the "sick" me. What makes things worse, is how guilty I feel sometimes because I'm on scholarship. I don't feel like much of a scholarship athlete these days. I was okay when I wasn't at practice, but then I'd get to practice and all of the depressing, confusing thoughts would make me freak out and get all depressed. So, my coach told me to take a week off of practice.
I did. And, I freaked out some more. I started thinking that maybe God had been trying to tell me that He wanted me to not be on the team anymore... for the past 3 years. Maybe He had other plans for me, and maybe I was just supposed to trust Him enough to change everything, instead of trying to keep involved with running. Then I freaked out some more, because I started thinking about that scholarship again, which made me think I was just too afraid to trust God enough to help me afford Roberts in some other way. Maybe, after all of this, my identity was still way too wrapped up in running.
After approximately 32 million mental breakdowns, I took what I learned from conversations with people who I trust along with my own prayers and devotions... and this is what I realized:
1) God is more powerful than I can even imagine. What he wants to happen will happen. I can't stop that, and that is one of the most comforting truths that I know right now.
2) I ask God for His guidance and for His will to be done in my life several times a day. He knows that I don't think I know what I'm doing, and He knows that all I desire is to do what pleases Him. He knows I freak out about decisions. He knows I over think everything. He knows that I've surrendered my life to Him.... including running, cross country, and everything that has to do with it.
3) Jesus says to focus on today. Not tomorrow, or next week, or next year... (Matthew 6:34). That's really all we have, anyways. Instead of freaking out about what might happen in the future, I only have to focus on today and where God has me right now... the people's lives that I can touch today, the things that I can do today, the things that I say today, my relationship with God today, etc.
4) I don't have to do anything to prove to God that I can live without running/cross country and that He's infinitely more important to me than it (unless He's telling my to do something... then obeying is probably the smart thing to do...). God knows my heart (better than I do). And, God might actually be able to use me on the team in some way that I don't understand. Of course, if God calls me to do anything, than I need to obey Him. But when He's not saying anything about it... I shouldn't just jump to conclusions. Of course, cross country is something I need to keep praying about. Partly for my own sanity.
5) I'm sick, not a slacker (sometimes I forget this). I didn't plan for any of this to happen. I'm not making it happen. I'm not making myself sick. I'm not making it up. My illness, even though it's "mysterious", is very, very real.
I really think I need to write all of these things in my planner... and on the back of my hand... and all over my wall....
Or maybe I should just trust God. My powerful, loving, heavenly Father... who's always going to take care of me.
"What then are we to say about these things? If God is for us, who is against us?" - Romans 8:31
