Sunday, February 26, 2012

Fixing our eyes on Jesus...

This past week was our winter break, so I've been home resting.  It's been kind of a rough week though because I was trying to decide what to do this summer, which made me realize what things I can't do, which made me really upset that I was still sick.  I started getting all anxious because it made me realize how abnormal a sick person's life can be... and at that moment, I just wanted to be "normal."  Except I slowly started realizing that my definition of "normal" was just what I've learned from good 'ol America.  Not that I don't like America, but so much of the pressure comes from our culture... our culture of chasing after dreams, successful jobs, and finding that perfect someone... it doesn't really leave room for being sick now, does it?


After a few days of freaking out, God helped me to see why I was suddenly freaking out about life... and why I didn't feel peaceful about anything even though I kept asking Him to bring me peace.  I was looking in the wrong places.  I was searching for ways that I could "keep up" with the rest of the world... things that would make me feel more secure.  In other words, I was trying to fix things.


And then this came to mind...


 "...let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." -Hebrews 12:1b-3


And once I finally remembered who I'm living for and what this life is about... along came that peace.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

When ambition takes over...

I did a stupid thing today.  You see, sometimes I get frustrated that being sick is determining the things that I get to do.  Yesterday, I was trying to decide what to do over the summer.  Unfortunately, something like a full time job or internship is far from possible if I'm still sick, so I was trying to decide between taking an online class or trying to find a little part time job that I'd be able to handle.  After being frustrated all day yesterday about being too sick to live a "normal" life, I woke up this morning with the brilliant idea that being sick is stupid, so I should just suck it up.

... and you better believe I sucked it up.  I hopped on the treadmill (with a fever, of course), and after walking for 10 minutes I decided it'd be a good idea to start running... so I ran.  For 4 and a half minutes. That's when something inside of my abdomen decided to have a party, or explode, or something like that.  Being the stubborn "sick-o" that I am, I decided that the best thing to do would be to keep walking, because I wanted to go for 30 minutes (I normally walk for a half hour on the days that I don't swim).  By 28 minutes I was holding on to both sides of the treadmill, supporting myself while the treadmill was going a whole 2.5 mph.  I was a little bit of a mess for awhile after that, and my innards are still all achy.  I'm pretty sure "explosions" are my body's way of saying "YOU DOOFUS! WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I CAN HANDLE THIS RIGHT NOW?!?!" I call them "explosions" because there's always a moment that I'm pretty sure something inside of me is literally exploding because I don't understand how something could be that painful without exploding.  A few times it really was a cyst bursting, but who knows what happened today.  All I know that is that I learned a few lessons which people who manage to keep their common sense during illnesses probably already know... like that "sucking it up" doesn't make your illness go away, unfortunately, and when your idea of "sucking it up" involves running when you've had a fever for 496 days (I just did the math), your body is probably going to hate you.

Tomorrow, I will enjoy my nice, relaxing walk.


Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Either C.S. Lewis was crazy, or I'm more normal than I thought.

Sometimes I'm very content with this whole "being sick and not having a clue what's going on with my body" thing.  But then, those times of contentment are usually cut short by me freaking out that I really shouldn't be content because I'm suffering... and well... suffering is supposed to always be bad and miserable, right?  I never wrote about this, because writing about it made me realize that it didn't really make sense... I thought it was too silly to write about.  But I've been reading "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis and I just stumbled upon this paragraph (it's about him dealing with the death of his wife, who is "H" in the book, and how he's starting to feel a little less miserable at one point...):

"Still, there's no denying that in some sense I 'feel better,' and with that comes at once a sort of shame, and a feeling that one is under a sort of obligation to cherish and foment and prolong one's unhappiness. I've read about that in books, but I never dreamed I should feel it myself. I am sure H. wouldn't approve of it. She'd tell me not to be a fool. So I'm pretty certain, would God."

Hmm.  I guess I'm not so strange after all (just a little foolish sometimes)...

Saturday, February 4, 2012

The Good Stuff.

I've been trying to write an update for awhile, but the combination of having a crazy week (4 exams...) and my long time companion, the fever, has made it impossible to sit at the computer and write anything that's at least somewhat coherent. =p

The past few weeks have been hard, but things have been getting better this week.  Not physically, but I've learned that it's not always how I feel physically that determines how I'm "getting by."  My fever's still being the loyal companion that it is, and I've been experiencing a whole lot of weird bladder pain that keeps me up some nights (I honestly don't know if it's my bladder that hurts, but it sure feels like it when it does), but here are some of the blessings that God's given me that help me to stay sane and joyful (joy interspersed with random fits of tears, of course) during this...

1) Bible Study.  A few of us had been talking about starting a Bible Study last semester, and we finally did the first week of this semester.  It's just a few of my friends and me, and besides studying the Bible and getting to learn about God together, there's a whole lot of laughter involved.  Laughter = great therapy for sick people.   Fellowship = really awesome relationships.

2) Fax machines. My doctor called me on Thursday asking if I could stop by because in order for them to send my records to Maryland, I had to sign a release form.  That's a problem when you're 2 hours away from them with no form of transportation.  After searching around campus that afternoon, the secretary in the health center let me use her fax machine (I've never faxed anything to anyone before... it was a big deal...).  Now, my records should be well on their way to Maryland.

3) The people I live with/next to.  I have the most wonderful, encouraging roommate, and I live next to some great friends from the same town as me.  They are also part of our Bible study!  I'm also right next to my old roommate now (I moved last week), so I can still be friends with her and see her a lot.

4) The workers at our dining hall.  I've mentioned them before, but they're worth mentioning again.  Every morning, I get to chat with Mary, who is the lady who gives me my almond milk.  Everyone else still jokes around about how big buff me (that's a joke... in case you were wondering...) knocked over the cereal bar one morning.  Oh, and they always make sure I have something to eat!

5) The prayer chapel.  This has actually been literally 30 seconds away from me all year, but I've always been scared of it because it's in the basement... and basements are just... scary.  But, I've recently conquered my fear of it and now I use it every morning before I go to breakfast and class.  It's not so scary after all...

6) Professors.  There are some really awesome ones here.  This semester, I have 2 in particular who know what's going on and are a big help.  One of them is my biology professor, who always seems to be laughing at silly things that I say or making me laugh.... and 3 hour labs are a whole lot easier for me to get through when they include laughing.


I don't mean to make it sound like getting through each day is a piece of cake, because it's not... but I do know that gratefulness and joy seem to be connected.  I don't think it's possible to be filled with one without the other.  Also, when I take time to thank God for the tangible things He's given me, it becomes easier to be thankful for what He's doing through this illness... even though I don't understand it.