Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Life Undiagnosed.

The word "undiagnosed" has become my least favorite word in the world.  I've joined a forum of girls who are undiagnosed, and I've realized that all of us (even if we're experiencing completely different symptoms) have to fight the same mental battle everyday: whether we're sick, insane and not sick, or maybe even a little bit of both (because some doctors like to blame whatever mental state we're in for our symptoms).  Yeah, being sick really doesn't seem like it could be that complicated. I mean, you don't feel good, you have a temperature, you're mouth tastes like batteries (it really does... and if you made it through your childhood without licking a battery... well, that's just sad.), lots of things hurt... you're sick. You rest for a few days, you get better, and you go back to doing whatever you normally do. But... it's a completely different story when you've been sick for 2 and a half years (going from one random symptom to the next), the doctors have absolutely no idea what's going on, and it ends up effecting (or... defecting) your life in way too many ways.  I'm not trying to just complain about my own situation (although in all honesty, life is extremely hard right now), but while I was reading through the stuff that all of the other girls have written, it was as if I was reading my story over and over again. Yeah, we all have different problems, we all have different goals and things that we love to do (and a lot of times aren't able to do), but we're all faced with the horrible feeling of not having a clue of what's going on with our bodies... or our minds.

I think the hardest part is knowing what to take as advice from people and what to kindly thank a person for sharing and then try to completely get it out of my mind.  For example, some people have witnessed everything that's gone on for the past few years and tell me that I've either had a ridiculous series of bad events, or there's one thing going on that's causing everything... then they go on to reassure me that even if I were to get healthy right now, I'd need a break from school just to help my body and mind recover from everything that has happened. Then, I get the people who like to try and diagnose me. Sometimes it's very helpful, and I actually end up researching whatever it is they tell me about and I usually even ask the doctor about it. Sometimes it's not helpful at all. I also get a lot of "Maybe you're just really stressed out." That's when I have to explain that when I wasn't this sick, I LOVED school. I loved everything from being in the library with friends to do hw, to staying at practice for over 3 hours, to getting distracted by all of the wonderful people that I passed on my way to class. Yeah, sometimes school was stressful, but it was the normal "oh man, I've got 3 papers to write tonight" stressed out (which I actually miss). Life became a lot more stressful when I started getting too sick to do anything at school.

Today's my 76th day of having a low grade fever. You'd think that would be enough to reassure me that I really am sick, but a lot of times I call my dad in tears because someone will mention that my thermometer might be wrong. Then he has to remind me that we tested it on him and mom (several times), my coach, a few of my friends, and even the crazy PA lady, and... nobody else had a fever.  He also reminds me that I always tell him that I feel my fever going up, and then I check it and it really is up. It's not that I want to be sick, it's more that after everything I've been through, I want a diagnosis. I actually think that if I were to randomly get better, I'd be very frustrated that I never knew what was going on. I want to know what I'm fighting through and how we can treat it so that I can get better.  It's not like I'm stuck in bed every day, I actually make an effort to get out and go to the Y to work out and hang out with friends sometimes so that I don't go completely insane.  It's just that I like putting everything I have into whatever I'm doing... so I'm really not a fan of  whatever's going on, because everything I have right now is pretty much a terrible attention span, the energy of a 90 year old, and the feeling that I'm a really boring person.  I don't even feel like I can put everything I have into getting better, because it's hard to get better when I don't know what's wrong.  My parents are really good at reminding me that right now our goal is to find out what's wrong... then we work on getting better.  This is when I need to remember that I named my blog "One Lap at a Time" for a reason.  Taking a 10k one lap at a time is so much easier than this, but it still reminds me to persevere and be patient... as hard as that can be.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

"God Bless Us, Everyone!"

Christmas! It's my favorite time of the year, even when it involves trying to keep up with the craziness of the "Christmas rush" while fighting through the fever and fatigue that comes along with whatever I have.  I have a habit of making Christmas presents instead of doing the normal thing and buying presents, so I had a busy week leading up to Christmas... trying to get my brain (which feels like it's melting away) to focus on making a scrapbook and a binder full of stuff called "Mom's Guide to Being an Aerobic Animal." Yeah. My mom's birthday present (she's a Christmas Eve birthday girl) was getting her daughter (me) as a personal trainer, seeing as I'll be sticking around for another semester.  She really wants to be able to run a 5k (despite her back and hip problems), so we'll see what we can do! I have her starting with a lot of walking, core, and stretching, and then we'll go from there.

Anyhow, Christmas was wonderful.  My brother, sister-in-law, and I always sit at the top of the stairs while we wait for my dad to get the coffee ready (they had to wake me up this year! ah!).  Even though we're all in our twenties now, we still like to sit there impatiently as if we're little kids. Some things never change.  My family isn't into the whole clothes and money thing on Christmas, so we get a bunch of random stuff instead. I love it. I even got sugar plums this year! I never knew what they were before, but they don't have soy, dairy or gluten in them! We had a very yummy Christmas dinner (with a bunch of food that I could eat... sweet.) with my sister-in-law's parents. My temperature was up over 100 all day, so I was very dead, but it was still Christmas... even if I did fall asleep on the kitchen floor while my dad was being very nice and making me lunch. Now, my parents and I are sitting back and enjoying some peace and quiet before life goes back to "normal." Whatever that is.

My dad and I are heading out to the cardiologist tomorrow morning for my echo cardiogram. Yes, I am 20 years old and I can drive myself to doctors appointments, but when you're very sick and undiagnosed, it's always a good thing to have another person there who has witnessed everything that's been going on.  Other than that, I'm doing okay.  A new "symptom" has popped up... pain in all of my joints and muscles, especially in my hands and wrists. It's pretty annoying, but it'll help the doctors a lot because that was one of the main things they've been asking about.  I received my acceptance letter for swimming lessons! I figured I might as well learn how to swim while I have the chance, so I was very excited about that.  I also spent a couple more days in Rome with my coach's mom to help her with a Christmas party.  It's very cool to see what God can do when life is really weird and difficult, especially when we're celebrating the birth of our Savior!  I still have some very rough days, but I love Christmas, and my situation has made me especially aware of how many people don't get to have a Christmas like I did this year. Our family is very blessed to be able to be together and happy even though things have been pretty rough, and I wish everyone had that. 

 Yes, I may have been a "Tiny Tim" for Christmas this year, but I'd much rather be a Tiny Tim than a Scrooge!

Friday, December 17, 2010

Dr. House... with morals.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened."
~Matthew 7:7-8

As you can probably tell from my previous post, we haven't had much luck with doctors.  I've been praying, and praying, and praying for a doctor that would work with me and be able to figure out what's going on, and our lack of progress has been very frustrating. My GI doctor is awesome, but now there's a lot going on that's out of his area.  However, I'm pretty sure that God has provided me with the doctor that I've been praying for!!!  I say "pretty sure" because I've only had one visit with him so far, but he seems awesome.  He really did remind me of a caring version of House.  I guess putting the words "caring" and "House" together don't make much sense, but my parents and I have been using a lot of House analogies.  I've always liked how House writes everything down on a whiteboard, ponders things all night long, and is never satisfied until he can diagnose the patient.  The doctor that I saw on Wednesday is in the same building as crazy "Ms. Happy Pills," except he's an actual doctor, not the PA (I've figured out that they are also a family practice, but the normal healthy people who just have a cold or the flu are the ones who see the PA. This guy works with the really sick people.).  I had printed off a huge list of all of my symptoms and tests that I've had done and gave it to the PA during my last visit, but she didn't really acknowledge it and shoved it in the folder with all of my records, so I thought it was long gone. But... when the doctor walked into the room on Wednesday, he had the sheet that I made AND he had already written all over the entire thing.  I was very excited as soon as I saw that. One of the first things he said was "There is something going on, we're not even close to getting to the bottom of it yet, and we still have a lot of tests that need to be done." That was music to my ears, especially after hearing "All of your tests are coming back negative, so you really need to stop having them done and just take these pills" the week before.  For the first part of the visit, he kept asking me "what's bothering you the most?" I would tell him about something, he'd right stuff down, look through my stuff, and then ask me the same question again.  We talked for awhile, and he was concerned about the flank pain that I've been having since last spring, but I told him that it wasn't very bad pain and that my primary doctors ignored it because my urine samples were "normal." Thankfully, I left him a sample too, so he went to the lab that they have to see if it was normal, and... he came back and said "There's blood in it. That's not normal." So, either we have a new thing going on or my other doctors have been missing it. Neither of those would surprise me.

Because of a combination of a few of my symptoms, he was concerned about my kidneys and bladder, so I had another ultra sound on Thursday morning. We're still waiting for those results. I also have to see a cardiologist on the 27th to have an Echo done because I have a ridiculous heart murmur.  Heart murmurs are pretty common (and a lot of times aren't serious), but at this point we can't risk skipping over anything, seeing as every organ in my body seems to not want to function properly... and besides, echos are actually really cool.  A picture of your heart shows up on a screen based on sound waves that the thing they rub on you picks up.  It also doesn't hurt at all, so I'm happy. Although, I'd be happier if all of these visits were free...

I feel much better (mentally) now that I have a doctor who knows that there is something going on and is very determined to figure it out. He's also extremely nice, and he's very good at listening.  Internists are specialized in dealing with adult diseases and multi system diseases, so they're very good at looking at the big picture and putting the pieces together.  I'm pumped. God is good, and He does answer prayers... in His timing. I'm still learning that my timing isn't the same as His, and sometimes that drives me nuts... it takes a TON of patience, especially during the very difficult parts of life.

I still have a fever and I'm not doing any better physically, but having a smart, caring doctor puts us a lot further along than we were. I was actually hoping to post something that wasn't related to doctors for once, but this is very exciting for us, so I couldn't help it!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Ms. Happy Pills

Hola.  A LOT has happened since the last post.  I was actually able to get into an internist group last week, and I was REALLY excited about it because we had an appointment with a doctor who was supposed to be pretty awesome.  Unfortunately, I've learned that having an appointment with a doctor means that you might just end up seeing their PA instead. We're going to call this PA "Ms. Happy Pills." You'll understand...

First, the nurse came in and took my temperature with an oral thermometer... after I had been drinking nice cold water RIGHT in front of her, so it said it was 98.2.  So... I decided to check my temperature with my thermometer that goes in my ear while she was gone. 99.8. Buuutt... Ms. Happy Pills walked in right when I was doing that... yeah, we were off to a good start.  She told me that my thermometer was wrong and that I needed to return it. I told her that I drank cold water right before she stuck the thermometer under my tongue.  By then, we were at a point where she thought I hadn't actually had a fever at all this entire time, and that everything was mental.  She went on to offer me free anti-depressants and said that she was pretty sure she was right, but if she was wrong, all I would have to do is get off the meds. She apparently decided to skip right over the fact that if I wasn't actually chemically depressed, the meds that she was about to hand over to me could do REALLY bad things to me (especially because I'm only 20, and the size of a 12 year old...) and most likely cause other physical problems... which are the things we're trying to figure out and get rid of.  I told her that I understand that depression can do a lot of things to your body, but that the only reason I've been depressed is because I've been sick for over 2 years.  After a not so pleasant 30 minute chat, she said "take these pills, and everything will get better." I asked her why she would say that without referring me to counseling first if that's what she thought, and she said "oh, it's too late for counseling, you need the pills." If I had a recorded dialogue, you'd think there was some illegal drug action going on. It was nuts. I was about ready to go nuts, but then she decided that she was going to check my temperature with my thermometer in case I did it wrong (I didn't think it was that complicated...). Mine was 100.3 by that point. She was frustrated and decided she was going to check her own temperature to prove my thermometer wrong.  Before she checked it, she asked me if I knew where to stick it. I really wanted to say some type of wise remark about me thinking that it was supposed to go up my butt, but I didn't.  She checked it (without changing the already used disposable covering... AH!), and said "SEE! It's... oh, 98.4" That's when she told me that I could go and that I could come back next week to see the doctor.  That was a very shortened version of what happened, but it was horrible.

Mentally, it's been a little rough after that appointment.  My dad told me that she was being inappropriate and that I needed to completely erase it from my mind .  Unfortunately, my memory is one thing that still sort of works (sometimes), so I can't.  Oh, and just to make it clear: I have nothing against anti-depressants. They can help people out a lot. But, I do have something against a doctor seeing a sick, 20 year old girl that she had never met before, and jumping to the conclusion that it was all mental and that those pills would solve the problem... and then handing them out for free like they're candy.

I do have some good news! Yesterday, my family went out to Rochester for a Christmas party at my brother and sister-in-law's house. It was fun, and Christmas + family = a much happier me.  I also met with some people with Lyme Disease on Saturday morning to help start up a support group for people with Lyme Disease and other weird/undiagnosed chronic illnesses (I'm the weird/undiagnosed one). I'm pretty psyched.  This morning, I visited my friends church... and somehow ended up teaching Sunday School because the normal person couldn't.  It was very random. My friend and I did it together (she actually knew the kids, seeing as it's her church), and thankfully there were only 5 kids because the church is pretty small.  I randomly decided to read them the Christmas story from one of the children's Bibles in the room while they drew pictures of the story (and Marie attempted to control the one who wouldn't stop talking). The kids ranged from 6-11 years old, which made things a little difficult, but we survived.  We were just forced to learn that 11 year-olds don't want to do the same things that 6 years old do the hard way, which explains why we were begged to end the day by playing heads up seven up and 4 corners if they had to sit through me reading to them.  The weekend wiped me out and I accidentally fell asleep for 2 hours when I got home from church, but it was well worth it. :)

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Doctor, doctor, give me the news!

Yesterday, we headed out to good 'ol North Chili for another doctor's appointment.  It was just an appointment with a primary doctor, so we were trying not to expect much, although we were really curious as to why they wanted us to come back there to discuss tests that they wouldn't discuss on the phone...

It started out on a depressing note... the doctor told me that the Infectious Disease specialists at Upstate won't take me because I don't technically have an infection that they know of. I thought the ID people were supposed to figure that one out for me, but apparently they like it when the hard part is done for them (the diagnosis). Okay, that wasn't very nice, but I'm frustrated! I was able to get some tests done while I was there, which was good... except for the fact that I'm getting tested for things like HIV now. NO, I did NOT have sex or inject myself with drugs... although I have been in places like the ER too many times and have been poked and pricked with too many needles to count, which makes it a possibility.  Hopefully not a very likely one, but now the doctors are using the handy dandy process of elimination, and that's something that needs to be eliminated so that we can move on.  They also tested a few enzyme levels and my thyroids.

Unfortunately, getting into the doctors involved walking through the cold, so when I got there my temperature was... 98.7 Go figure.  Thankfully, my dad persisted that they needed to take my temperature when I left to... and guess what, 45 minutes later, my temperature had gone up a degree to 99.7 (my healthy temp is about 97.8-98.2ish, my temperature now usually ranges from 99.1-100.5, and no, it doesn't do normal things like start low and go up throughout the day, it just goes all over the place).  The doctor said something along the lines of "Wow, that just went up a whole degree while you were just sitting there... that's not normal, I'm going to write that down." I was very thankful for him doing that (that's not sarcasm either!).

Another test that I have to have done now is the HIDA scan.  It's a test that lets the doctor see whether or not (and how much) your gallbladder is working.  Unfortunately, it involves getting injected with stuff that glows and then laying completely still for 1-4 hours (depending on how long it takes for the glowy stuff to get to my small intestine) under a camera. Fun...  although, I'd pick the HIDA scan over another colonoscopy (or anything that ends in "scopy") any day.  I'm also getting some morning cortisol test thingy done sometime soon. Apparently that's the first test that they do for Addison's Disease (a disease that causes your adrenal glands above your kidneys to fail, which causes your body to stop producing certain hormones and, of course, adrenaline. Basically, it means your body goes psycho whenever it is put under any stress.  I happen to have most of the symptoms of it... but I have most of the symptoms of a lot of things, so we try not to jump to conclusions).  My doctor admitted that he didn't know much about Addison's, though.

The past couple of days have been really hard.  Not knowing what's wrong with you can be very scary, and sometimes I still convince myself that I'm not sick and that I'm just stupid, because no one can figure it out.  I've been saying a lot of things along the lines of "I just want to be able to go to school" and "I just want to be a healthy college kid and be fun again." One very scary thing is that I was 89 pounds yesterday at the doctors.  I was 102 pounds this summer. This doctor didn't seem to think that losing 13% of my body weight was a big deal, which made my dad very frustrated.

The next step is to get into a group of internists in our area (so we don't have to travel as much). They'll be able to work with me and refer me to whoever they think I need to see.  The Cleveland and Mayo Clinics are always on our minds, especially with our lack of progress that we're making, but we have to take things one step at a time.

On the bright side of things, I was able to see the team again yesterday because RWC is right across from my doctors.  Aunt Jen and Uncle Andy had class though, so I didn't get to see Aunt Jen at all and I only got to see Uncle Andy for a couple of minutes. Basically, enough time to give him a run through of the doctors appointment.  I can't wait until our conversations don't consist of things like doctors appointments and my health.  I'm not saying that's not what I want to talk about now (talking about everything is actually very helpful), I just can't wait until this is over so we don't have any reason to talk about it! That will be a wonderful day.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Where did all of my energy go?!

One of the main symptoms that I've been having throughout the past few months is extreme fatigue.  It's getting to the point where it's very debilitating some days, despite the fact that I get 9-10 hours of sleep a night (and sadly, still have to wake up with an alarm).  Every now and then, I'll let myself sleep in without an alarm, but then I end up sleeping forever.  I'm really not a fan of sleeping the day away.
Yesterday, my dad drove me out to Roberts so that I could go bowling with the cross country team.  At first I was pretty overwhelmed because I saw so many people that I've missed, and just seeing campus made me sad/stressed out/confused about everything.  Bowling was a ton of fun though, and I really enjoyed being with the team again.  I even tried doing the moonwalk in my bowling shoes (that were probably meant for 8 year olds).  My fever was over 100 (like normal), and I was very worn out by the time we were done bowling, but it was well worth it.  Oh, and my score of 24 was pretty epic. 

The depression has gotten better since I've been home because I've had a lot more time to pray, journal, read my Bible and just think and talk to people.  This doesn't mean that I don't get depressed about everything that's going on, it's just that it's the normal "being bummed about being sick all of the time" depressed.  This morning was pretty rough.  I woke up feeling miserable, so I wasn't able to go to church which made me really upset for awhile.  Thankfully, my dad was around and we talked for awhile. I was just so sick of not knowing what's going on, and I really didn't want to have to deal with it anymore.  Sometimes I get really frustrated because I want to be able to be my normal, crazy, bubbly self that I haven't been in a long, long time.  I spent most of the day on the couch... actually, I'm still on the couch.  I did get out to tutor for a little while this afternoon, but I only had enough energy to help for an hour and then I couldn't focus anymore.  Focusing has been REALLY difficult lately.  Just writing this is difficult... it's a good thing I'm not at school trying to write papers!

But yeah, that's the newest update of my life.  I'm extremely thankful for everything I do have, even if good health isn't one of them right now.  My parents have been moving the furniture around to try and find a place to fit the (FAKE!) Christmas tree, so that makes me very happy (not that it's fake... but that it's Christmas time!)! God has done many awesome things throughout the time that I've been sick, and I know that He's still there guiding and protecting me.  I even got an email from a little girl named Alena (who has been battling cancer and the terrible side effects of chemo and radiation) and her dad, and they sent me two prayers of healing that Alena says so that I could say them too.  I was so excited, and they are beautiful prayers that I'll be saying every night too.  I had signed her guestbook, but I didn't think they'd have the time to say anything back! I just wanted them to know that someone across the country was praying for them (I had stumbled across her page during the summer while looking for ways to help kids with cancer as a service project for the team...).

By the way, if you'd like to visit Alena's caringbridge website it's http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/alenamarek . Her family needs lots of prayers and support!

Friday, December 3, 2010

A new title! A new look! Sweet.

I've been wanting to change my title for a long time.  Honestly, the only reason that it was "This is the story of a girl..." before was because my Itunes was on shuffle when I was making it and the song "Story of a Girl" by 9 Days came on while I was trying to think of a title.  I know.  Real creative.

Yesterday we reached the milestone of... (drum roll please)... 50 days with a low grade fever.  My body is definitely feeling it... or at least it's feeling something.  Everything hurts, and it's really hard to concentrate.  The other day we were worried because I had been coughing up junk and having a lot of trouble breathing just like I was when I had pneumonia, but luckily this time we had the nebulizer handy and I could BREATHE.  Breathing is a wonderful thing. 

My dad was able to talk to the Infectious Disease Specialists at Upstate again, but they said that I have to go back to Rochester to get more tests done.... buuuut, they wouldn't say what tests. So, we called my doctors in Rochester, and they said the same thing... but they wouldn't say what tests I have to have done either, so now I have an appointment in Rochester on Tuesday for some mysterious tests.  At least we're making progress! Even if I'm clueless about it...

I could keep writing... but my parents and I have a Toy Story 3 date! =P

Monday, November 29, 2010

"I throw my hands up in the air sometimes..."

Because of a sweet video that the Today Show made with Mike Tompkins to the song "Dynamite," I've had the song constantly playing through my head. It's funny, because when I'm happy, I think of throwing my hands up in the air in... well, a happy way. Like celebrating about something. On the other hand, when I'm feeling like poop (physically, mentally, or both), I think of it as a gesture of frustration.

Since my last post... there's been a lot to "throw my hands up in the air" about. Besides the fever, Thanksgiving was wonderful. We went to my Aunt and Uncle's and ate dinner with the whole family. My parents made me special gluten/soy/dairy free banana bread, stuffing, and squash, AND they bought me a pie that I could eat. Food (that I can eat) + Family = a very happy me.

On Friday, I headed out to Rome to spend time with Uncle Andy's family. It was WONDERFUL, and definitely the most fun I've had in a LONG time. I hadn't seen him and Aunt Jen since I'd left school, so I was super excited about it all week. After eating dinner, we headed out to Clinton for a Christmas festival that Uncle Andy plays his trumpet at. Once again, for the first time in a very, very long time, I was super happy. My "Uncle" was playing Christmas music, everything was all lit up and pretty, and there were some really fun little shops all around. I've always been a people person, but now relationships are even more important to me... especially the relationships where I feel completely comfortable being myself, even my sick/sometimes an emotional wreck/not as exciting as usual, self. We laughed, we teased each other (okay, maybe it was more like I was the one getting teased... =P), I woke Aunt Jen up by jumping on her in the morning, and Mrs. Dorr even told me that she wished she had a 4th son so that I could marry him. Yeah. I love that family.

I think I was on an emotional high because of all of that. Unfortunately, not every day is like that. Today was another tough one... a day to throw my hands up in frustration. Having a low grade fever for 47 days is ridiculous. It's enough to make me feel like poop, yet I get really confused because we have no idea what's causing it, so I have no idea what I'm supposed to be (or not supposed to be) doing. So what do I do? I get mad at myself for not being as productive as I'd like, for going a day without exercising (and then I do stupid things like running until I'm completely wiped out, which I then... get mad at myself for!), for zoning out for long periods of time, etc. I'm still hanging in there though, and I'm finding joy in things that I wouldn't have experienced if this wasn't happening. When I start freaking out, I remember how I felt when I was listening to the Christmas music in Clinton, or watching Christmas movies with my parents, or even seeing my friend's progress after only a week of tutoring her in chemistry (which I'm really enjoying!). These are all things that wouldn't have happened if I wasn't home sick. My parents and I are working as a team to get through this, and every little bit of encouragement that we get from other people makes a world of difference.

On the medical side of things: I had a liver/gallbladder sonogram today, and we're still waiting to get into the infectious disease people at Upstate. Meanwhile, the doctors continue to be stumped. Eventually, things will get better... but for now, we wait and trust God that we'll find answers!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

It's video time!

Change is good. Especially when it involves videos. Marie came along and video taped a day at Northeast Medical Center on Tuesday. It's really not that exciting. That day... wasn't very exciting. Most of the video has to do with waiting... I've been doing a lot of that. I apologize for the shaking, Marie felt awkward walking around the medical center with a video camera, so she was trying to make it not so obvious...

Here's a link to that video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lP0KuaIf9-0

I'll be doing more of these throughout all of this. Whatever "this" ends up being. They make getting tests done a little more fun. Yeah, that's right. I just put tests (no, not school tests... I'd much rather be taking tests) and fun in the same sentence.


It's a good thing that those tests were on Tuesday and not yesterday, because I felt TERRIBLE yesterday. I stayed in my pj's all day and pretty much did... nothing. Sigh. My dad bought me a puzzle to work on, so that keeps me busy when I feel like poop. I've also been busy moving everything from school back into my room. Normally, I'd get it done in a day... but I kind of move in slow motion most of the time now. I unpack something, then I sit there. I unpack another thing... and then I sit there. Yeah. I'm not the most productive person right now, and it's really frustrating. My dad has to constantly remind me that I'm SICK, which is why I'm not getting much done. Sometimes I forget and try to be normal. It doesn't go so well.


And, while I was at it, I uploaded a video that Marie and I made a few days after my surgery this summer. You can watch that too! Yeah... apparently making videos is my therapy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A-ePT5ULlkw

P.S. If you don't know the song "Therapy" by Relient K, I'd suggest listening to it. It's one of my favorites. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hF8tkk497GA

I'm a youtubing maniac tonight!

Saturday, November 13, 2010

"This is where the healing begins..."

The last time I posted something, I was back at school. This time... I'm back home... on medical leave... for at least the rest of this semester. It was really hard to make the decision to leave school and focus on getting healthy, but with the help of some wonderful friends, coaches, and my parents... I'm home. Where I need to be. I had to go back to Roberts yesterday (I was home for another colonoscopy earlier in the week) to move all of my stuff out and hand in my key... it was very, very sad. They even took my name tag out of my mailbox... sigh. Thankfully, all of the stressful school/medical leave things are coming to an end, and I can finally relax and focus on getting healthy. It'll probably be a long road... but it's one I can't avoid.

At first, I was VERY scared to leave Roberts. It was more because I didn't want to leave the people than anything else. I LOVE people. I love my friends, I love my coaches, I love the Garlock people, I love my professors... and I really couldn't see myself leaving any of them. Then, I realized that relationships don't just fall apart because you leave for awhile. Some of them even get stronger. What helps me out a lot is realizing that I still have friends at home. Besides being home with pneumonia, I hadn't been home for more than a couple of days since last Christmas, because I worked at Roberts all summer. Despite the fact that I've been nonexistent in Chittenango for a long, long time... things really haven't changed. In fact, a few of my friends that I grew up with and haven't seen in a LONG time came and visited me tonight, and it was WONDERFUL. Yeah, we've grown up (a little), but things are pretty much the same. Honestly, it wasn't very different from when I used to hang out with them ALL of the time back in high school. I love friends, and it reassured me that just because I leave somewhere, doesn't mean I'm leaving people for good. God keeps together what he wants to keep together.

One song that I've been listening to when I freak out about everything is Tenth Avenue North's "Healing Begins" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFUHrXfuNU4). It helps me get back on track when I get depressed and anxious about everything, because home is really where I need to be in order to heal... physically, mentally, and spiritually.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Halloween Hustlin'!

Hola! Instead of sitting on my couch (which is where I've been for the past few weeks), I'm sitting in my dorm room! I wasn't going to come back until Monday... but I felt like I had more energy, and Friday was the annual xc "Halloween Hustle" and girls sleepover, and next thing I knew... I was driving out to Rochester in the pouring rain with my car packed full of my belongings and Josh Wilson's sweet version of Amazing Grace blasting through the speakers. Thankfully, it stopped raining by the time I arrived for the Halloween Hustle. For those of you who don't know, the Halloween Hustle is the cross country team's workout that's closest to Halloween. Everyone dresses up, runs around campus looking pretty obnoxious, and then runs whatever workout is planned for that day. I couldn't run, of course, so Uncle Andy had me timing with "Grandpa Jeff." It turned into quite the dance party, despite my fever and everything else that had been holding me down. Somewhere throughout the dancing, timing, screaming, and watching Uncle Andy prance around dressed as Peter Pan... I realized that I wouldn't trade that moment for anything. And know what? If I was healthy, I wouldn't have experienced that. Not that being sick is good, but God can do sweet things even when everything seems to be falling apart. We had team massages at the sleep over, and, well... the laughing/screaming/flailing that Sarah was doing while I was digging my fist into her VMO was well worth staying up late for. =P Yeah, my fever went way up. Yeah, I feel like crap today. And yes, I some how have to do that whole going to class thing again. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know if I'm going to make it through the semester, and I definitely don't know what's wrong with me... however, I do know that I'm in a good place to be going through all of this. I'm surrounded by awesome people, and for the first time in a very, very long time... I'm okay with not knowing what's going to happen and not being able to run for the second season in a row. Even if I don't think I can handle it, God can.... and maybe, just maybe, the patience, perseverance, humility and selflessness that I'm learning from this (along with a little rearranging of my priorities in life) will all be worth it in the end.

Yeah. That was a happy one. Friends make me happy. My coaches make me happy. Dancing on the track dressed as a pumpkin to music I don't even know makes me happy.
There will be tough days ahead, I know that... but right now, I'm happy. :)

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Waiting.

I apologize for the previous depressing post, but hey... if I'm going to get through this, I can't just skip over the bad parts. It'd be like skipping the hard workouts while preparing for a race. Running doesn't work that way, and neither does life. Running and life seem to have a lot in common. That's why I like it so much.

Today I had plans to call a couple of places to see if I could learn more about Lyme Disease; or at least get some other opinions on what's going on. Fail. I called, like I had planned... but I'm sadly learning that the medical practice is called a "practice" for a reason. I'm not bashing every single doctor - I happen to have a couple of great ones, but we've had our share of bad experiences, and today we had another. I called a doctor's office near NYC that is known for their work in Lyme Disease. I gave them a quick run through of my problems and asked if they could tell me about the California Lyme Test and why it's so controversial, and... I got "We can't tell you anything because you're not a patient. It you want to be a patient, you can make an appointment for 950 dollars. Oh, and we don't take any insurance. Sorry. Click." I didn't even get a "bye." And if it's $950 for a single consultation (not a test, examination, diagnosis or treatment), I'm a little afraid how much money these people are making off of poor sick people. Come onnnn.

Phone call number 2: A call to "Unity Connect," which is a group of registered nurses who can help you decide what to do about your health issues. I didn't expect much, which, once again was a good thing. This time the lady was actually very nice... but she told me to go to my primary doctor. I then explained that I went there yesterday and they told me I was healthy (I left out the part about the guy not being very nice...). After that she told me to go to the E.R. We didn't. We've been there too many times, and it's not the best place to be when you're getting over pneumonia. It just makes you more likely to get it again. I thanked her, she wished me well, and that was it for the day. No success. Tomorrow's plan is to call two more doctors and to try to keep from convincing myself that I'm messing everything up.

Sometimes I wonder where God is in all of this and why in the world everything has to be so confusing. I've never not known so much about my life in my... well... life. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know if the guy in NYC who charges a ridiculous amount of money and uses a test that's not approved in NY is a hoax or someone I should keep looking into. We keep thinking of going to the Cleveland (or Mayo) Clinic, but we don't know if that's what we should do right now. I have no idea when I'm going back to school. I have no idea when I'm going to be healthy again. I really don't have a clue about anything... except for the fact that I am very, very tired right now, and that I'm going to be even happier and crazier than I was when I'm finally healthy again. BUT... I do have a faith in a God who does know what's going on. Yes, this has tested and shaken me up in what seems to be every way possible, but He's still there. I've prayed and prayed for guidance and for a doctor who will help me... no answer. Yet.
I'll wait. A lot of being a Christian has to do with waiting. A lot to do with distance running has to do with waiting (once again, running is my metaphor for life...ha.). I think waiting is part of God's way of making us into the people he wants us to be. Of course, sometimes it sucks during it (especially if you're sick)... but it changes us. America, on the other hand, doesn't like to wait. At all. Hmm.

Depression.

Yesterday started off as a pretty good day. My dad called me in the morning saying that my primary doctors wanted to see me in 2.5 hours. It wouldn't have been a big deal... if my primary doctors weren't in Rochester. I was super excited because that meant we could stop by Roberts and visit some people - specifically, the cross country team. My dad booked it home, picked me up, and we headed off to good 'ol North Chili for... well, we didn't really know. We try not to expect a lot from doctor appointments any more, because every time they don't go well it just makes my life a little bit harder. It was a good thing we didn't expect much, because it was pretty terrible. The doctor wouldn't even listen to me and wouldn't answer any of my questions about Lyme Disease, or the 6 pounds that my little body couldn't really afford to lose. He pretty much said I was healthy and let me go. The only thing that kept me from going crazy was that I was going to get to see my coaches and team in less than an hour. In the meantime, we stopped at some of my professors offices just to say "hi," but nobody was around. I was already getting bummed. We made our way over to the VAC a little bit early for practice, because we had nothing better to do, but seeing that Uncle Andy's car was already in the parking lot made me really excited. I practically ran in. We talked to Uncle Andy for awhile, mainly about the doctors appt. and what the "next step" for us to do was. Then the team started coming down and I got even more excited. After hugging some friends and praying with the team... they were off. To run. To do what I've been wishing I could do without any pain for a long, long time. I started getting a little depressed, but I knew there was nothing I could do about it. Eventually, they all made their way back from their runs and that's when things really got bad. I like to say the depression started talking, because when I get depressed, I get thoughts that I normally wouldn't think. It was something along the lines of: "Look.... they all have each other. They don't need me. They don't even seem to notice that I'm here right now. I'd go talk to Aunt Jen or Uncle Andy, but they're doing form drills with some of the team. I wanna do some freakin' form drills. Most of the team doesn't even like them. I love them. Freakin'... I can't wait until the day that I get to take an ice bath. Pneumonia is stupid. Nobody in this place even seems to realize that I'm gone. Aunt Jen, Uncle Andy, and Coach Kurtz are the only one's who seem to even care. If I hear another person complain about hw, I'm going to go nuts. I wish hw was the most stressful thing I had to do. I wish I could actually do my hw, instead of thinking about my stupid body and how it never works right. I wish all I had to worry about was getting to practice on time and spending the rest of my day at classes and in the library... with friends. I'm probably not even going to be able to finish this semester. What if I don't? What if they take my scholarships away and I can't come back? I need to come back. This is where I belong. I'm probably screwing up my whole entire life..."
Yeah. It's ridiculous, it's not what I think when I'm thinking straight, and it's NOT fun. It feels like there's a battle going on inside my mind between the Devil and God. The Devil knows my weaknesses and knows how to tear me apart. God is the only thing keeping me from completely going nuts. He's the One telling me that it's not my fault and that things will get better... in His time. When Coach Kurtz tells me I'm doing everything I can do to try and get healthy... that's what God's saying. When Uncle Andy grabs me by my shoulders and tries to talk some sense into me as I'm bawling my eyes out, that's when I start remembering that I have Jesus on my side. I basically cried the whole way home last night. I was freaking out about everything. Honestly, most of the time I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing. Should I try doing hw while I'm home? Should I sleep or should I go for a walk? Am I doing everything wrong? It's not cool. At all. But, in the words of Leeland, "Heaven's fighting for me." I just have to believe it.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Pumpkin Therapy

Today, I woke up after only sleeping for 9.5 or 10 hours instead of my weekly average of like... 12, so I thought "I'M GETTING BETTER!" That put my in a good mood, so I blasted some old school Newsboys and ate a muffin (soy/dairy/gluten free, don't worry.). Then... my energy that I had for a good hour or so disappeared, and I crashed on the couch and continued my new habit of... napping. I hate napping. So much. My temperature has been hanging out at 100, despite the three weeks of antibiotics (that have been increased in strength twice)... so we really have no idea what's going on. It's not like I'm suffering with a 104 fever, but it does mean that something is going on (and it makes me very sleepy). My dad talked to the people at IGeneX today, which is a laboratory place in California that does the Lyme Disease test, which is a million times more accurate than NY's Lyme test (NYS tests for 3 out of 5 strands of some protein or something in order to say you're "positive." California, on the other hand, only needs 2 strands. And, they do three different tests. Yeah. C'mon NY...). I'd rather not have Lyme Disease, but at this point we need to eliminate things until we find what's going on so we can take care of it and get me HEALTHY (I love that word.)

All of this being sick stuff is really depressing (especially for someone who usually has an abnormally high amount of energy and can't go a day without being outside...), but thankfully, my friend Marie happens to be home this semester too. She didn't mean to be, but things didn't work out, and well... now we're together. It's cool how things work out. She's been giving me a lot of encouragement (and taking care of a sick friend gives her something to do =P), and today she brought over pumpkins to decorate! It took my mind off of everything and was WONDERFUL. I wasn't worrying about school or running, and I didn't have the "I'm screwing everything up" thought in my head. It made up for my counseling appointment that I would've gone to today if I was at school. Actually, it worked a lot better than my counseling appointment normally does.

Spiritually, well... let's just say that in order to get through each day I really do need to "put on the whole armor of God." I'm slowly learning that the "I suck at life" thoughts that I keep having are something that I can fight off (with a whole lot of help from God). It's really a matter of learning what I can control and what I can't. I can only control so much of what's happening to my body, and the rest I can't worry about. I haven't gotten to the not worrying part of it yet... but I'm working on it.

Monday, October 18, 2010

"Change the World" Syndrome

Another day of resting, brings: an unhealthy amount of thinking (or as like to say, "freaking out") about my life. I had to remind myself today that the reason I'm home is to rest. I have this problem where I always want to be productive; whether that means running, planning something crazy, playing guitar, doing hw, etc. I'm really bad at doing "leisurely things" (like watching tv and movies), so instead I sit here and think about how confusing/scary/depressing my life is right now. First it starts with thinking about my health and whether or not I'm supposed to call another doctor, or just rest and see what happens after the antibiotics are done, then I move on to thinking about what's going to happen the rest of the semester, and then I start worrying about next semester and whether or not I'm ever going to be healthy, and THEN I realize that I have NO idea what I'm going to do with my life (when Jesus said not to worry about our lives (Matthew 6:25-34) He knew what he was talking about (well... duh. He's Jesus.) We're humans! We can only handle one day at a time!). That was a lot of parenthesis... but anyways, I have this problem where I think I need to do something REALLY crazy and helpful in order to do what God wants me to do with my life. Like... save a bunch of people, find a cure for a disease, you know... change the world. That's when the idea of a holistic faith that Dr. Middleton drilled in my head comes in... I don't need to change the world! Guess what! A plumber is fulfilling God's will by being a plumber. We need plumbers. Especially for people with explosive intestines, like me. A plumber can plumb (is that a verb?) for God just like a missionary can go on missions for God. Colossians 3:23 says "Whatever your task, put yourselves into it, as done for the Lord and not for your masters." Want to be a plumber? Be a plumber. A freakin' awesome plumber, with a heart for the Lord.

I don't mean to shatter any dreams you have of changing the world, but... you aren't going to. However... we sure can! That's why the church isn't one person. We need everyone (the custodians, the painters, the missionaries, the pastors, the teachers, the coaches... I could keep going...) If we all pour our hearts into what we're passionate about, we'd probably be surprised by what would happen.

My task for the next week or two (hopefully no longer than that!): Get over pneumonia. How do I get over pneumonia? Rest. How do I rest? Sleep, relax, watch some Psych...
It sounds wonderful, but for me... it's ridiculously hard; however... if I see it as my "task" for the week... it's a little bit easier.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

The Value of a Friend

"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up the other; but woe to one who is alone and falls and does not have another to help." -Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Being sick for a long, long time takes a toll on a person - physically, mentally and spiritually. First it messed with my running, then it messed with school, and then it messed with my head. Seriously. Being undiagnosed is rough. I know I have pneumonia, but I was sick before the pneumonia. Sick with what? Who knows... but it's confusing, depressing, and very frustrating.

Last night was really bad. I started getting really scared that we'd never figure out what's wrong with me and that I'm always going to be sick. Then I started convincing myself that I wasn't sick again (I've gotten really good at that. It's terrible.). I tried calming myself down by telling myself not to worry about the future and just get through one day at a time, but then all I could think about was the fact that so many people are suffering in some sort of way. I wanted to think that all of this being sick stuff is for a reason... but what's the reason of a kid dying from cancer? What's the reason for the AIDS epidemic? What's the reason for earthquakes that kill so many people? Then... I stumbled upon this song: Mercyme - Won't You Be My Love
It made me feel a tiny bit better because I realized that there IS evil in this world, but our job is to show Christ's love to EVERYONE (especially the poor, orphaned, and... sick), but I still went to bed praying that God would show me that He cared about me, because at that moment, I just felt like a terrible, lonely, mess. It sounds like a selfish, stupid plea for something that should be so obvious... but look in the psalms (the lament psalms, that a lot of churches overlook) and you'll see a whole lot of prayers like that.

I woke up this morning a little bit better, but still unsure of everything that's going on. I really can't go a day without being outside, so my parents and I decided that going for a short walk wouldn't kill me. We went out up on the hills by my house, and it was BEAUTIFUL out. I was starting to feel a little bit better (Mentally. Physically, I was realizing how tired I am!), and then I got a text from my friend, Victoria. I told her that I'd call her when I was back inside. Victoria happens to be struggling through a chronic illness too. She's been sick for 5 years, so we vent with each other a lot. She had just gotten back to school a couple days ago from being out sick (and in the hospital :/), and wanted to ask me what I thought she should do because she still wasn't feeling well. Without even thinking too long about it, I said something along the lines of: "You NEED to get off campus and rest more! You really shouldn't be at school! You won't be able to get your work done, and it's just going to make everything worse. Your health is way more important than your classes, and don't even THINK about starting to train again right now... just rest!" We talked for awhile, and as soon as I hung up I realized that everything I said to her was everything I needed to tell myself. Then, Ecclesiastes 4:9 popped in my head (well, actually it was more like "oh.. that verse about two being better than one... where is it?!" Thank You Jesus for Google). Not that I want Victoria or myself to be sick, but honestly... we need each other right now, and it gave me reassurance that God's still in this. Just another bonk in the head by Jesus. That's all.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Listen to yankeeshorty501s Playlist


Get a playlist! Standalone player Get Ringtones

A long awaited update to... myself?

So, apparently the point of a blog is to have other people read them. Oh. Maybe I should do something about that...

But anyhow, I'm currently home from school because I'm too sick to be there. It's probably something I should've done a few weeks ago when I found out I had pneumonia, but my doctor told me to go to classes and "live life." Bad idea. It basically got to the point where I couldn't do my hw or pay attention in classes because I was too busy trying to get myself to stay awake. Then, I just cried all of the time, because I didn't know why life suddenly became 100x harder, and THEN the pneumonia triggered my asthma (that I forgot I had), and I thought I was just dumb and had forgotten how to breath. I'm starting to wonder if my doctor ever learned that the only way to get over pneumonia is to REST (something that I realized anyone can learn by google-ing "pneumonia.") Sigh.

I don't think I realized how much I needed rest until I got home the other day... I went to bed and didn't wake up for 16 hours. Then, after a few episodes of House (in hopes that a patient would have my problems and be diagnosed) and some dinner... I slept another 10.5... and THEN, I woke up, ate some food and... napped. This is the first time that I've had enough energy in the past couple days to sit up for more than a few minutes and do something that requires using at least some part of my brain.

Not being at school is weird, but maybe I'll actually keep up with this whole blog thing now. That'd be cool. As for now, I'm a little feverish, pretty tired, and ready to call it a night. So... good night. Maybe I'll actually write something two days in a row. And maybe it'll be something inspirational, rather than a depressing update on my explosive body. Maybe.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Fear.

A few days ago, my fellow painter, Paige, was talking about getting over our fears and trusting God. When I think of being afraid, I think of a fear of... well... concrete things. Things I can wrap my head around. I think of heights, spiders, clowns, crocodiles... you get the idea. So, naturally, when it came to being sick I'd think of fear as being afraid that something was seriously wrong with my body, or that something would go wrong during surgery, or even that my ridiculously low heart rate of a good 'ol 33 bpm would somehow cause even more problems. Honestly, these things aren't what freak me out most of the time. Seeing as I wasn't afraid of any of those things... it'd seem like that meant I didn't fear because I trusted God with all of that. Yeah, that's what I thought. However, I freak out all the time that this whole sickness/exploding deal is somehow caused by me screwing something up along the way. I've been afraid that I should have figured out what makes me sick by now, and that it's my fault that I haven't. I've been afraid that it's my fault that my iron dropped to a ridiculously low level of 8, causing me to take a season off, because I didn't eat what I was supposed to. Most of all, I've been afraid that I just wasn't being tough enough and that all of these tests and doctor appointments have been completely unnecessary. I didn't realize that all of these fears that I had weren't any different than being afraid of surgery... or doctor appointments... or scary tests. They are all burdens that I can give to God and trust HIM with. Even if I didn't do everything perfectly... that's okay. The God who created the universe can surely fix what I've messed up. I've prayed like crazy and I've tried as hard as I can to figure out what's going on inside of my body. Sometimes I just have to face the fact that things are beyond my control, and instead of freaking out about what I can't change, I just need to be still... and know that He is God.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

God Wins.

Every morning at work, we start the day with devotions. Yeah, it's sweet. Today, the guy who was giving devotions talked about Job, and everything that he had to go through. He also read us a story about a girl who was kidnapped, raped, and handcuffed to a tree until the police found her, and he related it to Romans 8:28, which says "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." He talked about how God can even turn a terrible experience into something that can help further His Kingdom. The girl who was kidnapped, raped and handcuffed to a tree... she's now ministering to other crime victims. I'm not saying that what she went through was good... but by the grace of God, she used it to do something amazing. After devotions, the guy apologized for starting the day on a depressing note. He didn't know that it was exactly what I needed to hear. I had been down for a few days because I found out that I most likely either have another cyst (which I'm not supposed to be getting anymore) or a hernia. I was just starting to think that I was actually getting healthy again. I'm finally back running after a good two months off due to being sick. The message that this guy shared with us this morning made me feel like God was bonking me on the head (I think he does that a lot). Romans 8:28 isn't saying that nothing bad is going to happen to people who love God. It's saying that with His help, we can turn all experiences into something awesome. Even the crappy ones. It's like kicking Satan in the jugular. He thinks he's on to something, and then... BAM. God wins.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

"In the pain, there is healing."

Every now and then, my body likes to explode on me. Apparently it's decided to not be able to digest soy, dairy, or gluten, along with growing cysts only to cause excruciating pain while they burst inside my little, 12 year old sized body. I don't mean to be so depressing, but this has been happening for way too long, and I'm supposed to be healthy by now. I've been on meds AND on a gluten/soy/dairy free diet for months, yet my body continues to do what it does best... explode.

This past Friday, it took me by surprise. We were on our way to PA to watch a few of my teammates run and my "innards" were starting to feel a little funky. Sometimes they feel like that when I don't drink enough, so naturally, I started chugging water. That just made me had to pee, which didn't help at all. As I sat down to watch the "distance carnival" with some of my favorite people, my organs decided to have a little carnival of their own. First, it was just annoying. I wanted to enjoy what could have been a very enjoyable night, but apparently that wasn't on my body's agenda for the night. As time went by, the pain became worse and worse until it was unbearable. When it gets that bad, I honestly have no idea what's going on around me. Everything gets blurry, I start breathing all funky, and all I can think about is how on earth I'm supposed to make it through the pain. From my past experiences, I've learned that it will come to an end. I know that within a few hours the pain will have subsided into an annoying ache and I'll be left feeling a mixture of exhaustion, frustration, and relief.

What I've written so far probably makes me life sound terrible, but it's really not. Although I really don't understand what's going on with me and why it's happening, God has blessed me with the people who I need in my life in order to get through this. My family... is awesome. They sacrifice so much for me. I know, that's cliche... but it's true. Being two hours away from home makes things a little tricky for them sometimes, but thankfully, I have awesome people here at Roberts who make life a lot easier. Besides the amazing team and friends that I have who are constant reminders of God's mercy as I struggle through this, I happen to have some unrelated "relatives," Aunt Jen and Uncle Andy. They're actually my coaches and I really have no idea when/how we started calling them "Aunt" and "Uncle," but they basically are my Aunt and Uncle. It's not uncommon for Aunt Jen to make me delicious food that I can actually eat, and for Uncle Andy to have to carry me back from wherever I happen to be when I explode. I'd keep going, but it'd take up a whole book. And a sequel. I call my other coach "Dad." He took me to the hospital before and ended up spending 4 hours in the ER with me while we waited for me to be let in. He's pretty awesome.

One of my friends was explaining how he felt when I got sick the other night. He told me that it's terrible because he wants to help, but can't do anything to make me feel better. It's true that nobody can do anything to make the pain go away, but I sure hope they realize that just having them sitting there with me makes me feel a million times better. Knowing that someone cares is is more encouraging than you can imagine (unless, of course, you're a fellow exploder... then you probably don't have to imagine.)

As I make my way through a maze of frustration and pain, I'll continue to get by with the help of the blessings that God provides me: friends, hugs, encouraging Uncle Andy emails, smiles, laughter, blueberries, etc...

In the meantime, I'll be praying that God will heal my body and that this will somehow help me to grow into the young woman that He created me to be and I'll trust that He has a plan for me, even when it really doesn't feel like it.