"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up the other; but woe to one who is alone and falls and does not have another to help." -Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
Being sick for a long, long time takes a toll on a person - physically, mentally and spiritually. First it messed with my running, then it messed with school, and then it messed with my head. Seriously. Being undiagnosed is rough. I know I have pneumonia, but I was sick before the pneumonia. Sick with what? Who knows... but it's confusing, depressing, and very frustrating.
Last night was really bad. I started getting really scared that we'd never figure out what's wrong with me and that I'm always going to be sick. Then I started convincing myself that I wasn't sick again (I've gotten really good at that. It's terrible.). I tried calming myself down by telling myself not to worry about the future and just get through one day at a time, but then all I could think about was the fact that so many people are suffering in some sort of way. I wanted to think that all of this being sick stuff is for a reason... but what's the reason of a kid dying from cancer? What's the reason for the AIDS epidemic? What's the reason for earthquakes that kill so many people? Then... I stumbled upon this song: Mercyme - Won't You Be My Love
It made me feel a tiny bit better because I realized that there IS evil in this world, but our job is to show Christ's love to EVERYONE (especially the poor, orphaned, and... sick), but I still went to bed praying that God would show me that He cared about me, because at that moment, I just felt like a terrible, lonely, mess. It sounds like a selfish, stupid plea for something that should be so obvious... but look in the psalms (the lament psalms, that a lot of churches overlook) and you'll see a whole lot of prayers like that.
I woke up this morning a little bit better, but still unsure of everything that's going on. I really can't go a day without being outside, so my parents and I decided that going for a short walk wouldn't kill me. We went out up on the hills by my house, and it was BEAUTIFUL out. I was starting to feel a little bit better (Mentally. Physically, I was realizing how tired I am!), and then I got a text from my friend, Victoria. I told her that I'd call her when I was back inside. Victoria happens to be struggling through a chronic illness too. She's been sick for 5 years, so we vent with each other a lot. She had just gotten back to school a couple days ago from being out sick (and in the hospital :/), and wanted to ask me what I thought she should do because she still wasn't feeling well. Without even thinking too long about it, I said something along the lines of: "You NEED to get off campus and rest more! You really shouldn't be at school! You won't be able to get your work done, and it's just going to make everything worse. Your health is way more important than your classes, and don't even THINK about starting to train again right now... just rest!" We talked for awhile, and as soon as I hung up I realized that everything I said to her was everything I needed to tell myself. Then, Ecclesiastes 4:9 popped in my head (well, actually it was more like "oh.. that verse about two being better than one... where is it?!" Thank You Jesus for Google). Not that I want Victoria or myself to be sick, but honestly... we need each other right now, and it gave me reassurance that God's still in this. Just another bonk in the head by Jesus. That's all.
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