The Race

Even though I haven't been able to compete or even really train much in the last year and a half, I still think like a runner.  I guess 9 years of training and racing will do that to you.

One of the things that can make being sick really tricky for me is that I absolutely love to have one thing that I can work really hard at and be the best that I can be at it.  For 9 years of my life, running was that thing.  I loved setting goals and working towards them.  And when I failed, it just made me more determined to reach whatever that goal was the next time.  In high school, I was taught that having heart and guts was more important than having talent.  One of our runs was called "Top of the World."  For three and a half miles, we would run as fast as we could up approximately a 750 ft change in elevation.  The way up was timed, and then we'd turn around and run back as our cool down.  That run was never about who was fastest.  It was always about who was the toughest.  When I wanted to collapse, I was taught to keep going.  When the boys started to open up a gap ahead of me, I was taught to chase them with everything I had.  One thing that I knew I could never let myself do was give up.  Whatever goal I had made; I was determined to reach.

I've never been good at changing a goal... even if it seemed out of reach, I dreamed of accomplishing it.  When I started getting sick, I was sure that God was just preparing an epic come back.  Psh, that national championship would be way more special if I spent a few years "exploding" first.  It never really occurred to me that maybe that wasn't God's plan for my life at all.  After all, why would God create me wired to run myself in the ground and then not let that happen?  I don't struggle with pushing through things, I struggle with letting go.  It took me a long, long time to realize that letting go didn't mean giving up.  Letting go meant giving it to God, and telling Him (for my own sake, because He was already in control anyways) that I was okay with Him having different plans than I did.  Yeah, I'd need help getting to wherever He wanted me to be, but I was His... and my plans, dreams and goals were His too.

.. and that's where the real race starts.  Hebrews 12:1-3 says,

  "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,  fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." 

When I'm focused on God, His Word, and that I'm here to serve Him and others, life is so much more meaningful.  Not easier, but easier to understand and much more enjoyable.  No, I'm not giving up.  Trust me, if God provides me with an opportunity to train and compete again, I'll be all over it.  But, more importantly, God has a much bigger plan for my life than some picture perfect college running career.  It might be a lot different than what I expected, but it'll still be a "race."  Some days, it'll feel like those races when everything seems perfect and effortless, other days it'll take God literally pulling me through things that I didn't think I'd be able to get through.  I need to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus because otherwise I will grow weary and lose heart.  Sometimes I have to remind myself that these things aren't in the Bible because God needs us to do them, but because we need to do them.  It's what we're created to do.  It's why a life away from God will never feel complete, even if you've accomplished everything you've ever dreamed.

Sometimes life is funny.

On Tuesday, my dad was invited to taste test gluten free pasta at Wegmans because they noticed that he was always buying gluten free food.  They're trying to decide what pasta to use as Wegman's brand.  My dad asked if I could do it instead, since I'm the one who's actually gluten free, and they let us both come!  It was pretty funny because there were a whole bunch of gluten free people in the room, so everyone was trading recipes and talking about their weird diets.  Anyways, they put a little bit of sauce on the pasta (which doesn't make any sense), and it had soy in it so I couldn't eat it!  I sat there watching my dad eat it instead, and he said they all tasted the same, haha.  They felt really bad, especially because they didn't leave any plain.  They gave everyone a gift card though, so that made up for it.

On Wednesday, I was trying to get used to clipping into my pedals on my road bike.  The guy told me to practice clipping in and out while leaning against a wall before taking it out on the road so I wouldn't fall.  When I got home, I stood next to my garage, clipped in, and.... fell the opposite direction of the wall.

On Thursday, it was 101 degrees.  My dad had found our old air conditioner in the garage the day before, so he brought it in and put it in the living room.  I was just thinking how nice it was to be able to read with the AC blowing in my face, when... the power went out.  Thankfully, my dad has a generator for the track timing equipment so he brought that in and we were able to switch back and forth between plugging in the AC and the fridge until the power came back on.

Things like that aren't funny until the next day... then they make me chuckle.

Anxiety, Quilts, and... Jesus.

You know how just last week I said I was really excited about going to Cleveland Clinic?  Well, that excitement has been followed by a whole lot of freaking out.  I've been feeling pretty good this week, which I should be all happy and excited about... but, instead I've been too busy worrying that I'll get healthy, get to Cleveland, and it'll all be a waste.

Then, my parents remind me that my week of "feeling pretty good" has been far from "normal."  My digestive system has forgotten how to do it's job and digest food properly, I still have to take a break to rest every now and then because my temperature will shoot up, random parts of my body hurt/feel numb/have a mind of their own... but, I'm not like I was in the winter.  My parents also remind me (parents are good at this : ) that it's been 3 years of this "mystery illness" and that I've felt great during parts of those 3 years... and then have gotten very sick again.  That might sound really pessimistic and depressing, but it just reassures me that trying to figure this thing out and kick it in the rear is still a good thing for us to be doing.  And, that not having to feel like I'm keeling over and dying in the process is always something to be thankful for.  Most importantly, getting healthy is what I'm trying to do.  If for some reason that did just randomly happen, that wouldn't be something to be sad about!

Having an undiagnosed illness can be so stressful, but... finding peace and joy always comes down to trusting God.  Always.  The God who created everything from my brain to the tiny cells in my body knows exactly what I need, and He will provide... just like He always has.

Just the other day, a relative from Texas gave me a prayer quilt that people from her church made for me!  It even has my name on it and strings for people to tie knots in whenever they say a prayer.  There's already some knots on it from the people at her church!  People in TEXAS that I'll probably never get to meet have been praying for me!  It's impossible not to smile when I think of that.  The quilt is really pretty, too and it's definitely coming to school with me in the fall!

"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast."
~1 Peter 5:10

A few pictures

These are from when our family from NC came to visit!

This is Nolan.  He's adorable.  He also likes to pretend he's a dinosaur.

This is right behind our house.  My mom took this picture (and the other ones with me in it).  It was really pretty out!

Chittenango Falls

Nolan, still being adorable.

My cousin, her son, and me.  We were getting attacked by bugs.

I'm just a little excited...

Last Friday, I called Cleveland Clinic to ask them about the clinic and what an undiagnosed (and very confused) person like me should do.  They were very nice and made me a patient (!) and told me to go ahead and fax my symptoms, allergies, etc. to a guy named "Antoine."  Of course, I had to wait until the holiday weekend was over, so...

On Tuesday, I faxed my 2 page write up to Cleveland Clinic, knowing that I just had to wait to hear back (which can take a very long time when it comes to medical places).

On Thursday, I got a map of Cleveland Clinic in the mail!  They also sent a packet for me to fill out, but I was more excited about the map.

Today... the  "Antoine" guy called me and made an appointment for me to come on August 18th!  Now we just have to wait to get my actual schedule of the specialists that they want me to see while I'm there!!!

I really can't explain how much of a relief it is to know that I have an appointment there before I head back to school!  If I had a prize for fastest/easiest place to make an appointment with the nicest/most helpful people to talk to... Cleveland Clinic would win it.  I also get to set up my online health thing that they do, which I'm very excited about.  Seriously.  It'll keep track of all of my appointments, tests, medicine, prescription refills, etc.  Although I guess it's only exciting for sick people.

Of course, it's still stressful because we don't know what will happen when I'm at the clinic.  We don't know if they'll be able to figure me out.  I'm very thankful for getting an appointment in before school starts, though, so for now, I'll be thankful for that and try my best to just trust God with the rest!  I'm so excited about having the opportunity to go. Being sick and undiagnosed has gotten really old.

Oh, and remember how I said I was going to post pictures from when my family came to visit?  I didn't forget, but... right now I'm hungry...

Lord, right now I'm asking You to be...

Strong Enough.

What a week!

So much has happened within the last week!  Last Thursday, some of our family from N.C. came up to visit!  We don't get to see them very much, so it was really exciting.  I'll post some pictures later.

I've also been helping at Vacation Bible School all week!  I was a group leader for the 6-7 graders.  I've always said that I would never work with middle school kids because they scare me, but I ended up loving them.  I was really happy because I made it through the whole week without any of my kids getting hurt, and then half way through today, I whiped out while playing duck duck goose with them and had to go see the nurse to fix up my knee!  It was pretty funny.

And then the "medical" stuff...

We've been calling around all week to see what clinics each of my doctors normally refer people too, and they all seem to like Cleveland Clinic the most.  I had to call the clinic today to figure out what to do next, and some guy transferred me to some computer, which I thought was a person and tried to talk to, and then it said it couldn't understand me and transferred me to a real person, who was very, very helpful.  They ended up registering me as a patient already and now I just have to fax my history to them so they can make appointments for me to see the people they think I need to see!

It's been so stressful trying to decide what to do about this whole clinic thing.  Sometimes, I get afraid that I just shouldn't go.  Other times, I freak out because I don't know where I should go.  Some people with Lyme Disease have better luck at other places, and Lyme still isn't out of the question.  However, I have to keep reminding myself that as chaotic as everything seems, God is in control.  I've been praying before each appointment and phone call too, and I know that He will work everything out!  The people that I talked to today were extremely helpful and nice, so I feel a lot better about having to communicate back and forth with such a huge, crazy place now.

I went for a little run today and ended up getting really sick during/after it, so I don't know what was up with that.  I really don't understand how I can feel fine on one day and terrible on the next when my diet and everything is staying the same! 

Anyways, I need sleep.  Have a good weekend!