Yesterday, my parents and I headed out to Hamilton College to watch a track meet and see some friends from school. I literally had to mentally prepare myself more for this meet than for any meet that I've ran in. Normally, I'm very excited/anxious before meets. My "mental preparation" consists of daydreaming about how cool it is when you run so hard that you can't stand up after you finish, listening to the Rocky soundtracks (to accompany my daydreaming, which I'm very good at doing), and looking at my very specific warm up schedule made by Uncle Andy, which is specific down to the minute (with bathroom stops included). I don't really think about the other runners that I'm competing against unless it's a race where the place that I come in actually matters... I just have a weird fascination with negative splits, "eating people up," and running myself into the ground.
This meet was very different. Instead of daydreaming about racing, I was preparing myself for the depression that I knew it would cause. It might sound weird that I forced myself to do something that would make things very difficult for me, but I knew that going to it would make me depressed for the rest of the day... not going (to the one indoor meet that I could go to), however, would make me feel bad for a very long time. I wanted to see my friends. I wanted to support them. I just knew that being around a bunch of healthy people who would be doing all of the things that I love would be very hard... but, it'd be worth it in the long run. My psychologist gave me some advice after listening to my reasons for wanting to go and not wanting to go: "Don't expect anything from other people while you're there, there's no way that they can grasp how you feel. Instead, focus on what you're doing for them." She didn't mean that people wouldn't show that they care (they did... and they did a very good job of it), but she knew that what I'm experiencing isn't something that is all that visible. Yeah, I look tired, skinnier, and sometimes very pale... but nobody can see the pain, fever, and frustration/confusion from whatever undiagnosed chronic illness I have.
What "Psychologist Lady" said was actually very helpful... especially when Uncle Andy gave me the video camera to video tape the distance races for him. I really like helping them out, and I think he knows that. My psychologist has figured out that I like to help people by now too, which is why she said that. While I was video taping, I was pretty happy... until I started feeling really crappy and had to go lay down (pole vault mats are another thing I love about track meets...). I felt like I was helping them. I liked that. Yeah, I was a mess by the end of the meet, but it was worth it. I'd much rather leave a meet sore, tired and with that satisfied "I just ran my butt off" feeling instead of watching people who I love go back to school... sore, tired, and ready to rest (or do hw...) on the bus. I also think that I should start using my pre-race "mental preparation" for doctor appointments. Maybe if I come in with grey sweats on (hood up, of course) and "Eye of the Tiger" coming out of my headphones... I'll be able to make it through them without getting so frustrated.
P.S. I'm ridiculously "feverish-feeling," tired, and unable to focus right now... so I apologize if whatever I just wrote makes absolutely no sense. I felt somewhat okay when I wrote the first sentence... and well, I can't not finish something that I started.
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