God > this

The test results are slowly coming in from last week's visits...

So far... all negatives.  Those are just the blood tests though, so we're still waiting on the biopsies.

It's funny, because I didn't expect them to be positive...  yet, I found out, called my dad to tell him, and then started bawling my eyes out.  Every time I have to deal with negative test results and thinking about the "next step," I go back to being afraid.  Not afraid of what I might have, but afraid that I'm not sick.  Or that I'm making myself sick.  Or that I'm just really messed up, and unlike most people, we're hoping and praying for a positive result.  Maybe I'm just weird.  My mom and dad were here last weekend for home coming (which is kind of funny, because we don't have a football team!), and after we helped out at our cross country meet, we sat on my dorm room floor talking about how we've reached the point where we don't even care what it is that I have... we just want to know.  I happened to be getting my butt kicked by my fever that day, so I didn't have any fear that I wasn't sick, because I felt miserable.

If all of the biopsy results come back negative, then we go back to talking to my Internist at the clinic and trying to decide what to do next.  My oncologist said that if my other doctors couldn't find anything, then they'd do a PET scan to look for any deep lymphomas that wouldn't be obvious enough to have found by now.

A lot of people remind me that God can heal me.  I know that He can, but (not to sound even more crazy than I probably already sound...) after 3 years of being sick, I'd love to put a name to whatever I've had.  I always get scared that if I randomly got better, I'd just be even more confused.  It'd be one thing if I had a broken leg and it got better... but everything I have is already so vague and confusing as it is.

I have absolutely no idea what's going on... but... I know one thing...

and that's that God is in control (I think I need to write this on my forehead or something...), and I'm pretty sure one of His favorite things to do is to turn messes into beautiful things.

I've been playing this song on repeat... during my "little runs," hw breaks, folding laundry, etc... you should probably listen to it.