When did feeling good become so hard?!

Yesterday, I did something crazy... and went for a 10 minute run.  Every now and then I check to see if I get sick or not when I run, and I hadn't tried in almost 2 months.  I survived the ten minutes, and I loved it!  I like to listen to my feet go "thump thump thump."  Seriously.  If I had a list of favorite noises, the sound of my feet when I'm running would be on it... along with airplanes and lawn mowers.  I'm very thankful for that run, and especially that I was smart enough to stop before my stomach exploded this time!

I had a few hours yesterday when I was pretty sure I almost felt like a normal, healthy, human being.  I try very hard to enjoy feeling like that, but I'm still always thinking about how confusing my body is.  Of course I want to be healthy, but my random healthy moments (whether it's a few hours, or even days of feeling better) make me think things like: "What if I'm all better, and I'll never know what was wrong with me?! What if all of these doctor appointments are just a waste of time?! What if I was NEVER sick?!"  It's very annoying, and then I get mad at myself for not enjoying feeling better.  The thing is, getting diagnosed has become more exhausting than the actual being sick part.  Yeah, being sick sucks, but it's the uncertainty of what's going on that drives me nuts.  Not knowing what's wrong with me leaves my brain able to come up with any and every possibility, even if it's completely unrealistic.  For example; the other day I thought I just didn't eat healthy enough because I didn't eat vegetables with my dinner.  One day without vegetables = a perfect excuse for me to not feel well, apparently.  Last night, I had a dream that we found out that peanuts were making me sick (it's probably because every time I eat anything with peanuts, my mouth tastes like metal for about a week... weird).  When I think of these things (which are usually completely ridiculous), I get very discouraged about going to any more doctors, because I literally believe that I'm making myself sick (or that I'm not sick) and that it's just a waste of time.  Going to the Oncologist isn't something that people do for fun, so obviously, when I start doubting that I need to go, I really don't want to go!  That's why I highly suggest counseling for anyone who's sick and undiagnosed.  Counseling helps me realize what thoughts are completely unrealistic.  It also reassures me that it's impossible to not have stupid, depressing thoughts when you're going through something like this, but it becomes unhealthy when you're "stuck" in those thoughts instead of just letting them "pass by like clouds" (as my counselor says...).  That's why keeping as busy as I can is very important.  I try very hard not to focus on being sick and to just do what I can do each day, but I definitely need distractions in order to do that... which is why I'm going to stop writing about being sick for now, and go swimming instead!