Confidence.

I lack it.  I didn't when I was healthy (well, at least not in everything), but now I do.  I guess it's a lot easier to have when things are going the way that you've planned... but, if you're like me, when everything seems to be going wrong... I'm suddenly doing EVERYTHING wrong.

Through my experiences in running and music, I know that if you're lacking confidence, your performance isn't going to be so great.  When I was eager to race because I believed that I could do something crazy... I always had one of my better races.  When I was lacking confidence, nothing "outstanding" happened.  When I was confident, I didn't set limits for myself.  I actually didn't think realistically at all.  During the one 10k that I was able to race in college (I ran 2, but one was a tempo...), there was probably nothing reasonable going through my mind at all.  If there was, I would've put together the fact that I had been constantly getting sick to my stomach, my training had been all screwed up because of it, I was on crutches for a week because my leg was stuck half bent (it really was), and everything would've seemed to add up to a not so great race.  Fortunately, I'm very good at not being realistic... which isn't always a good thing, but it comes in handy for racing.  Uncle Andy told me that I could break 39. Apparently I took that as "try to break 38," because I ran 38:04.  What made me really excited was when Uncle Andy screamed "IGNORE THE SPLITS! JUST GO!" during the race, because I was dropping time faster than we had planned. So... I went. And I didn't think about time at all... just that I needed to go faster. And faster. And faster. Oh, and maybe catch a few people while I was at it. Especially the girl who went out like a maniac and was now coming back to me... with her confidence out the window. That's how my brain works when I race... with confidence. When you go out slow and then catch a TON of people throughout a race, it's like a continuous confidence builder. However, if you go out too fast and then die and get caught by a ton of people, your confidence goes down the drain and it's hard to switch gears and make yourself go any faster.  I have a lot of experience in that too... after all, I won the "most likely to start a 5k like it's a 400" award in high school.... and I pr'd my 800, 1000 and 1500 during a 3k my senior year... and died miserably during the second half of it.

I haven't been able to run in a long time, but last Saturday I was able to play in the Alumni Jazz Band at the Jazz night at our high school.  I had plans to just play along and get through the concert without doing anything crazy, but when our director asked who wanted to improvise in G Blues during the last song... I had to fight between my urge to solo in my favorite key to improvise in, and my lack of confidence that I usually have when I'm up on stage surrounded by extremely talented musicians.  My love for improvising in the key of G won me over, and next thing I knew I was counted on to solo.  Improvising without confidence is not a good combination. Actually, playing at all without confidence isn't good.  All of my band directors have always said that they'd rather have us play confidently and make mistakes than play so quiet that nobody can hear... especially while playing jazz.  If you make a mistake... make it with confidence.  If you're not mentally prepared, it's not going to go well. Just like racing. Hmm.

I've been lacking confidence in a lot of things lately.  I never know if I'm doing the right thing. I question my weird undiagnosed illness, the fact that I'm taking another semester off of school, and that I'm still not running, among a ton of other things, constantly.  When people ask me about majors, I freak out.  When they ask why I'm not taking online classes, I freak out.  I don't have a visible "freak out," but it all builds up in my mind and then I go home and... well, think I'm a failure and get all depressed.  This past week I've been working on being more confident in the way I'm handling what's going on. Instead of freaking out about running, I try to be very confident in what I am doing right now... swimming!  When it comes to majors... well, I'm taking this time to think about (and probably change) my major.  I'm learning to be okay with not knowing what I want to do. After all, my dad went to college to be an airplane mechanic... he's been installing dehumidifiers and things like that ever since I've been alive, and he's pretty happy with it.  And of course, sometimes I actually have to be realistic and realize that taking online classes and/or trying to train right now would be very, very stupid.

Just like in  running and music... confidence makes a huge difference in our quality of life.  My counselor told me that even if she helps me to completely get rid of any depression and anxiety that goes along with being sick... I'll still be sick.  She said that her job is to help me to improve the little bit of my quality of life that I still have... and it all starts with not doubting myself  as much as I do and to have confidence in what I'm doing (and more importantly, what God's doing. She didn't say that, but that was the first thing that came to my mind). Even if it feels like I'm "falling behind," losing friends, and not accomplishing anything... I need to trust that God will use this for something better.  Who knows what that is... but, we'll see.